SLUT walks around her room listening to the radio coming out of her beatbox. The radio program she turns to opens with a cool riot grrl soundtrack, Bikini Kills' "Rebel Girl" which starts out:
"We're Bikini Kill and we want revolution! Grrl-Style!"
Raunchy guitars start up and soon fade to the voice of talk.radio host Candy Lane.
Candy: Hi and welcome to The Candy Lane Show, talk.radio for cyborg-femmes. I'm your host, Candy Lane, and I want to start the show with a quote from one of my favorite writers, the late Kathy Acker, a tough New York broad who I met here in the Bay Area when she was teaching at the Art Institute. From what I hear, it was actually Acker who, after doing a reading in Pacific Northwest, was approached by the girls of Bikini Kill, this was before they started the band, before we even heard the term riot grrl, and they told Acker about their writing habits and their urge to bring it all out into the public and asked her for advice and she said, in typical Acker frankness, "Baby, you should start a band!" Shortly thereafter the girls created Bikini Kill and before you could say "suck my clit!" the West Coast was crawling with chick-lit rock bands. Anyway, one of Acker's earliest works, called Politics, written in the late 70's, published by Semiotext(e), a wild alternative publisher that is now publishing books under the Autonomedia label, goes like this:
"the filthy bedcover on stage I'm allergic to this way of life mine? the last time I got on stage for the first ten minutes I felt I wasn't me I was going through mechanical personality changes and actions I got scared I might flip in front of the sex-crazy lunatics finally got into the Santa Claus routine I was a little girl all excited because Santa Claus was going to bring me Christmas presents I couldn't go to sleep I was waiting and waiting and then Santa Claus came right into my room I'm taking my clothes and shoes off rubbing my breasts"
She goes on talking about her boyfriend Lenny who keeps dreaming that he's sucking an old woman's cunt but it turns into a cock or not just a cock but a cunt-cock, right?, and he tries to explain what a cunt-cock is.
Well, here at The Candy Lane Show WE'D like to figure out what a cunt-cock is too but maybe we should leave THAT discussion for a future show -- anyway, ladies and germs (ha!), I just HAD to share that little Acker tidbit with you -- besides, it sorta relates to today's theme which I'm calling "Sex, Politics and The Power of Chicks." We'd like all of you Everyday Girls to call in and tell us what you're thinking about today -- is politics all about cock-cunts? What is it about us "think"-tank-girls that simultaneously makes us hip to our own independence AND our uncontrollable attraction to men of power? And how can we express these contemporary feelings via the wide world web of post-femme sexuality and sensuality? Because, you know, it is THAT too, it's not just about computers and work and digicash and efficient communications -- it's also about DESIRE. And who doesn't know that! But it DOES seem to be something that keeps getting lost in the endless overblown media hype being focused on the Presidential Blowjob and what is now so obvious to me -- that a great deal of imaginative playfulness and cock-teasing MUST have gone down in the Oral, uh, make that Oval Office and that we girls are capable of bringing the utmost pleasure to even the deadest policy-wonks, or make that WANKS, in Washington!
Janet Planet, of Pasadena, California, you're on the line with a question -- go ahead.
Janet: Okay, tell me what you think about this: every time I turn on the TV and try to find some intelligent programming that speaks to me, that speaks to MY intelligence, as a woman, you know what I'm talking about, both my I.Q. AND my E.I., I mean my intelligent quotient and my emotional intelligence, I can't find ONE damn thing that I can relate to. I mean, am I hallucinating, or did we just become the laughing stock of the free world?
Candy: I'm with you, Janet! Totally there!
Janet: Okay, so I've been thinking, where are all the young women voices on TV? I mean, I see blowhard Senators and young anchordroids like Geraldo and what's-his-name, Tom Broke-Jaw, and it's like bad reruns of O.J. except now instead of mere sensationalism it's sensationalism coupled with a totally bogus morality play! And all of the actors are old men with the occasional conservative lawyer chick who bores the shit out of me!
Candy: You're so right! And if by chance you see a young woman on TV, nine times out of ten she's an attractive but smarmy conservative commentator who's getting paid by guys like Rupert Murdoch and GOPAC putting a pretty blond face on rehashed Reaganism! I mean where is HER old money coming from?
Janet: Exactly! Probably comes from her OLD MAN. The one she'll spend her entire life tricking for. But that's another story. I mean what is really going down in Washington? And how are the media responding to it? I have a theory.
Candy: Okay, Janet! Tell us your theory and then we'll take another call!
Janet: Thanks -- well, first I should say that it's a conspiracy theory. Not some loony Invasion-of-The-Aliens theory although that's just as good as any these days, but it's steeped in fact. Okay? My theory is that the reason they don't have any young progressive women on TV is because there are more of us in the population than any other demographic and that it is in their, the corporate media's, interest to actively censor our voices so that we don't let this sex scandal get to our heads. I mean, think about it, think about the implications, about how much influence we have in the development of world affairs! I mean, imagine this: the sheer power of having the President's cock in your mouth. Of having his hands on your head as he rows himself into your mouth all-the-time whispering that "as the President of the United States, with so much cum and power building up inside me, I'm gonna shoot out of my balls so much spunk that it's going to rip your little girl throat to shreds and you may not even SURVIVE it..." You know, Candy, like a spermo-dynamic nuclear explosion, right? And you are TOTALLY DIGGING that power. Knowing that you are giving pleasure to the man who essentially rules the world. How many women, young OR old, wouldn't give their left tit just to suck it ONCE. And so, Candy, I think the mainstream media are trying to play with our heads, trying to manufacture our consent by constantly barraging us with this morality play. There's SO much more at stake here. And I think it would be great if we all got organized, took control of our destiny, and started up our own media programs! Like your show Candy! You're doing a great job and I for one I really appreciate it!
Candy: Thanks Janet! It's people like you that make our work all the more fun. Take care, Love. Let's go to Long Tall Sally in Memphis, Tennessee, Sally, are you there? Sally?
Sally: Oh hi, am I on?
Candy: Yes, Sally! You're on!
Sally: Oh good. Hi Candy. I'd like to follow-up with what Janet was just talking about. I too am a twentysomething woman looking for something REAL and DIFFERENT than what the mainstream media is dishing out to me. I mean it doesn't take a high I.Q. to figure out that the media is fragmenting. De-massifying is what some people have been calling it. But it's feels like a long, slow, painful death. It's getting really ugly out there, like farcical National Enquirism. Meanwhile, I was thinking how awful it must have been for poor Monica to have to go to the Grand Jury and describe every detail of her affair with the President. First of all, the hygienic nature of the discourse. It must have been a TOTAL embarrassment. I mean I would NOT want to have to describe what I've had in MY mouth over the last three years! If you get my drift...
Candy: I TOTALLY get it Sally -- DO go on...
Sally: And I believe we're fighting a real culture war here.
Candy: What kind of culture war do you see Sally?
Sally: Well, mainstream TV is dead. I agree with you and Janet on that. And so is American Puritanism, at least in my circle it is. The Sexual Revolution may not be what it was in the 60s, but it is indeed alive and well here in Memphis, and I KNOW it's alive where you are in San Fran because I was just there. It's just that it's more personalized than back in the 60s.
Candy: Personalized yes, but do you also mean it's BACK in the closet!
Sally: Well, yes. Exactly. But that sucks. And it needs to come OUT of the closet, to set itself free, once and for all. I mean, we're Americans for crying out loud. We have more freedoms than any other nation on Planet Earth. And the only way this pseudo-puritanism is gonna change is to fight for our right to be SEXY! To be sexy AND control our own destiny, power-wise. Which is exactly what Monica is all about. Yet no one is dealing with this.
Candy: Thanks Sally! Here's Sandy from San Diego. Sandy, are you there?
Sandy: Hi Candy. Sally is right. No one is dealing with the fact that Monica was probably a great cocktease, someone who could really make her man spin with passion. Sexiness is an undefinable state of being that can transmit itself to the other person in a variety of ways. It's something that goes beyond ones looks.
Candy: You're talking about the FAT issue.
Sandy: Yes, exactly. I'm chunky myself, but chunky can be sexy, especially if you know how to role-play and flirt. Sex can be a great language experience, one punctuated with quick tongue flicks and slurping dick licks! I mean, here is the President, essentially being held hostage in the White House. The poor guy is unable to go out and "play the field" the way he used to back home in Arkansas, and Hillary, I mean she is SO OPEN-MINDED it almost makes me feel like a nun. Meanwhile, in walks sexy Monica like a wet dream out of heaven. She probably tells him she has a HUGE crush on him and that she would be willing to do ANYTHING for him and he thinks to himself, "damn, where else am I gonna get some?"
Candy: Go girl! All of this paternalistic media speculation on what the legal implications are but what about the imaginative implications? We're talking Blowjob City!
Sandy: Yes, and probably more than blowjobs too, although you can damn well be sure of one thing and that is that Monica gives good head -- I mean, you can just look at her and see that she is one of those dopey-eyed cum-swallowers. This girl knows how to SUCK.
Candy: Sword-swallower too! Although it looks like a nightmare for the President. "He who lives by the sword..."
[the girls laugh at that one]
Sandy: Right. So she's this dopey-eyed, sometimes pouty, sometimes gorgeous, wide-smiled intern who brings him his late-night pizza, right?
Candy: I'm with ya, Sandy, it's your show!
Sandy: Thanks. So she comes in and says, "Mr. President, your slave has brought you your Dominos pizza for you." "Thank you, Slave," he says, and she says, "Sir, is there ANYTHING else you want on it?" "On what?" he asks, and she, falling to her knees, puts the pizza on the floor and, opening the box letting all of the steam out of it, says, "your pizza, Sir." "Yes, Monica, there is ONE more thing I'd like to have on my pizza." "Please, Sir," she says, "call me Slave." "Okay, Slave, I would like you to rub your big fat ass on that pizza and let me lick it off." "Off the pizza sir, or off my ass?" "Any way I can eat it!," he says, getting properly engorged. "Sir, I would be happy to do that for you," and she proceeds to sit right on the pizza and rub her ass as hard as she can into it and, looking up, dopey-eyed, says "Sir?" and he says "Yes, Slave, you may speak," "Sir," she says, "I have successfully managed to work a button mushroom up inside my asshole," and he says "Slave, that's very good work, I'd like very much to eat that mushroom right out of your asshole" and upon his command, she gets up off the floor and walks over to him where he's sitting in the big walnut-leather chair and, turning around, sticks her ass in his face and the President of the United States, leaving the Bosnia crisis behind, the Russian ruble crisis behind, the Asian economic crisis behind, the extreme Islamic terrorist threat behind, starts searching for this button-mushroom with his tongue and teeth and lips and can't find it. "Are you sure you have a button-mushroom up in there," he asks her and she, as if on cue, lets out a little fart and the mushroom head magically appears out of the end of her asshole, the end result of a mini-nuke explosion that The President ravishes in one fast-food bite. Now THAT'S girl-power!
Candy: Wow! Sandy! That was a knockout! I wonder if he leaves her dry? Let's listen to PJ Harvey's "Dry" and then we'll continue our discussion on The Candy Lane Show!
Fade in of PJ Harvey's "Dry" ("I'm sucking on the well/I'm sucking till I'm wise/but you leave me dry/but you leave me dry/but you leave me dryyyyyyyyy...")