I decide I'll be the super-secure
new girlfriend, and I say, Sure, Ann can stay with us. A week? Two? Sure.
After all, she's the one who got dumped, and I'm the one webbed in between
Andy's flannel sheets. I make sure I look hot when she gets here-not the
dressed-up-for-you hot, but the I'm-so-good-looking-I-don't-have-to-try
hot-which takes me a hair hour in the morning, and six changes of clothes
during the day.
I decide she's cute, but not as muscular as I am, and not as tall, and not
as smart. Andy picked her in a moment of desperation, before he ever dreamed
of being with someone like me.
I befriend her.
While Andy's at work, we swap tales of his performance in bed. She tells
tales of impotence, which I've heard from Andy. I tell her he gets it up
fine for me; I don't say it braggingly because I don't have to. I tell her
our problem is that I have to ask him a billion times a month to go down
on me, and he does it like it's a fucking favor. I know he never went down
on Ann, but she tells me anyway. "I know," I say, to let her know
she and Andy share no secrets.
We make Andy cook dinner for us, while we tease him about all the shitty
senseless things he did to Ann when they were dating. Like, she went on
a backpacking trip for two weeks, and he rented her his tent, which he neglected
to tell her had four leaks. "I didn't know myself," he defends,
sticking his head in the oven.
"I feel really bad about how I treated you, Ann," he says later,
while we're all drinking wine.
Ann thanks him because she's nice.
And she's good looking, in an apple pie sort of way, and I tell Andy I really
want to have her in bed with us. I tell him it's so weird and arbitrary
that she slept in his bed when they had the couple label and now we have
the label so I'm in the bed and she's out. I shudder to think of myself
as the next one on the floor.
He says no way.
I want to fuck her. I want her to be mine, and not just Andy's.
I whisper into his ear a story about how she gets in bed with us and I play
with his nipples and kiss him while she sucks on his penis, and when she
feels precum in her mouth, she gets really excited, and I go down on her
from behind while she's sucking, and Andy says that's an unappealing scene
and he'd rather just be with me.
Dinner conversation is about how Andy and Ann fucked in a forest and the
ranger came. Andy and I have never done that. They are laughing. I am laughing,
In bed I am moping, face in pillow, naked, hoping to fall asleep even though
it's too early.
Andy asks why I'm in bed.
I bolt up dramatically to emphasize my anger and say, "I can't believe
you talked about fucking each other in front of me."
"I didn't know it would bother you. It wasn't planned. I didn't mean
to. I hadn't even remembered until she brought it up."
"Why didn't you just fuck, right there with the silverware?" I
hiss. I want to yell, but Ann would hear.
"Because I don't want to fuck her. And she's not interested either,
and you know that."
"Can't you see how hurtful that was?"
"No. Can you explain it to me?"
"What? No, I can't explain it to you. How can this need explaining?
How would you feel if I were reminiscing with the married man in front of
"But you do. You tell me about him all the time, and I don't feel jealous.
"I am not jealous. Ann is an idiot. You are such a pompous ass-hole
for thinking I'm jealous. You want that. You want us to compete."
Andy is quiet. He gets quiet when he thinks I'm attacking him. He thinks
the quiet will get me to stop. He is sitting on the bed, fully clothed,
waiting for this to happen. I am quiet. Quietly naked and pulling the covers
up to my shoulders trying to disappear.
"I feel insecure," I tell him, and pull the covers over my head.
I peek out for a second, to make sure he's still there. He looks sad, he
looks down, he asks what he can do.
"I want to feel special," I tell him. I look away.
I hear him say, "You are special."
"It doesn't feel that way when you make me live with your old girlfriend."
"Well that sucks."
"Do you want me to ask her to leave? I'll do that. I'll tell her she
can't stay with us next time she's in town either."
"Thank you," I say. I go back under the covers before he can kiss
me. But I leave my forehead uncovered so he can try again.