Social Functions

At a cocktail party,
where I know no one and Andy knows everyone, I take a break and go to the bathroom. I lock myself in and relish sitting there on the toilet, in silence: No struggle to be entertaining, or to find Andy to rescue me from the social misdemeanor of standing alone.

After I pee, there's no other business I have on the toilet, but I sit there anyway, dreading my reappearance at the party. I figure I can stay in the bathroom for five more minutes without causing social discomfort. I sniff my underwear. There's a strong smell from a long kiss during a slow dance. I sniff again, and I wonder why Andy doesn't take my used underwear to work with him in the morning.

The more I sniff, the more I want to go down on a woman. The more I sniff, the more I can't believe Andy doesn't go down on me every chance he gets. To punish him for not appreciating my scent, I think about the hostess while I masturbate on her toilet.

Then I go back out to the party and push my way into the circle where Andy is talking. He hates it when I get too dependent on him at parties, but I don't care now, because now I'm a lesbian.

While I'm standing silently at Andy's side, I play a game with myself. I play this game a lot because I can never decide if I'm a lesbian or not. I look around the room and imagine myself making love to various party dwellers, male and female. I always end up having better fantasies about the women. Their curves seem so soft to rub my cheek against. It always seems to me that my breasts would be more slithery across a woman's stomach than a man's.

"You have to mingle," Andy whispers in my ear. "Is something wrong?"

"Yeah," I say. "I think I'm a lesbian."

"Let's talk about it when we get home," he says. "For right now, why don't you just talk to the women?"

Andy is bored with my lesbianism. He figures since I've already tried women and stayed with men, he's doing fine. I want to say something like, Every time I scream when we're fucking, it's because I'm pretending you're a woman. But that's not true, so I don't say it.

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