You've read the Kurt Cobain obituaries, now it's time to sit back and enjoy the ridiculous rumours circulating about the dead rock star. Personally, I think it's absurd to suggest the singer's suicide was faked. However, various cranks are claiming Cobain was gunned down by a hitman, possibly a member of the Mafia, who'd supposedly gone after Nirvana because the band refused to pay protection money.
Another version of the faked suicide story has Cobain alive and enjoying a break from the limelight. According to rumour, the singer has been popping up everywhere between Rio and Paris. London sightings include nights out at the Disobey Club, the Exploding Cinema and even the Hackney Homeless Festival. Most ludicrously of all, one fan claims to have clocked the rocker shopping at the Kwik Save supermarket in Canning Town.
A more believable theory about Cobain's death suggests he was the victim of a CIA mind control experiment. An individual claiming to represent 'a private network of researchers' contacted me about this and arranged a meeting in the Temple Church on Fleet Street. Once I'd settled in a pew, a very nervous young man seated himself beside me. According to my contact, the CIA is deeply concerned about the subversive influence of popular music on young people, that's why 'they murdered Brian Jones, John Lennon and Jim Morrison'.
What's been worrying the spooks lately is the sway black radicalism has gained over the minds of white teenagers, to counter this 'they've been pushing Nation of Islam style separatism among rappers'. Likewise, the white Grunge movement spearheaded by Nirvana was backed by the CIA because 'they wanted to divide youngsters on racial lines, if black and white kids linked up, they'd pose a serious threat to the system. The whole point of Grunge is to instil in teenagers a sense of hopelessness, to fill them with self-hate and prevent them from changing the world.'
Apparently, the CIA got hold of Cobain when he was still unknown, then using drugs, hypnosis and medical torture, they broke his will and rebuilt his personality. 'Most of the time he'd act relatively normal,' I was told, 'but all it took was a few key words spoken over the phone and Cobain would carry out the deeds he'd been programmed to enact.' My contact was convinced that the singer had been brainwashed into committing suicide at the peak of his success because the CIA figured this would reduce his potentially rebellious fans to complete despair.
However, the conspiracy theorist admitted several of his fellow researchers thought Cobain had taken his own life as the only means of breaking free from the influence of his controllers. If this is the case, then the rock star is a hero rather than simply a victim, and his death provides grounds for a fresh outbreak of teenager rebellion.