late at night everyone is sleeping I climb out of bed tiptoe barefoot across the carpet, open the door quietly sneak down the hallway past momma's room, through the living room to the kitchen in the dark slowly open a drawer, reach inside feel around, passing my hand lightly over forks and spoons I until I find it, pull out a butter knife the only knife I've been shown how to use to be careful with knives ain't toys, Toby, they can cut you I remember momma showing me how to make a peanut-butter sandwich cut it in quarters leave the crusts on they're good for you wastin' is a sin we ain't rich boy, clean your plate, only use knives when adults are around

I lift my t-shirt under my chin grab my little bald dick between thumb and index fingertip, put the blade at the place where it meets my body and try to saw through. it hurts, the knife isn't serrated or sharp enough, I move the blade slowly back and forth, holding my breath, trying to be as quiet as possible, it burns, I smile thinking it's working, I expect blood but nothing happens, just slight pain, a hot feeling, like carpet-burn I hear something, drop my shirt, put the knife back, slide the drawer closed, walk back to my room and climb into bed, my heart beating fast, my dick burning and stiff

when momma comes in to check on us I have one of my sister's dolls, a large plastic one, in bed with me. she asks what I'm doing. I tell her I'm changing my underwear and she leaves without asking why.

I think a lot about cutting it off, flushing it all down the toilet where piss and shit are supposed to go or feeding it to Sissy.

I try to pull it off but it just hurts, gets hard, feels good, I get mad.

I always stop when the pain gets too bad.

I am a coward.

I never bite my tongue, close my eyes, yank it off like I should.

I don't know why I have it. when I ask momma she tells me I'm a boy, all little boys have things. shelly doesn't have one because she's a girl. or because she doesn't have one she's a girl. she tells me that my daddy has one, but he doesn't have any balls, which is why he ran away. you're more of a man than he is. you're the man of the house now.

I don't want it; I hate it. why can't I just cut it off?

I don't care about keeping it to play with later.

I don't think that way: I am two or three years old.

I learn about sexuality from my home mother mother's actions possessions search her things, find:

    a:   a sticky pink bottle of cherry-flavored lube on the label a photo of a naked woman with tiger stripes under a neon light it says it heats with friction I smell rub a gob of it into my between my palms greasy heat up smell like candy

    b:   a porno pulp novel I steal read re-read: a girl fucks for the first time in the back seat of her older boyfriend's car at a drive-in movie his dick is seven inches long she taken a Quaalude (a what?) takes it all in is proud amazed at her ability she is fucking wow dreamy an older guy a dick inside bruising inside he comes inside her she feels it is warm and okay (it's okay she's on that pill some pill) she took a pill makes it okay the pill makes her okay sleepy, dreamy she asks him do you really love me? and he says yes of course I do I already told you that didn't I? yes when you gave me that pill I just wanted to hear you say it two days later she is home alone doorbell her boyfriend and two friends two guys one is named Wally they call him big Wally and big wall come inside have drinks from her father's home bar smile smoke joke flirt touch her tickle her hold her down kiss her three at once her boyfriend tells her he loves her she laughs tells them to stop playing they laugh pull off her shorts no panties clean thighs slightly peach-fuzzy they hold her legs open while her boyfriend pushes in she says I don't want them watching the other two let her ankles go lower their pants rape her three-hole her big Wally has a giant dick he fucks her first her face first her ass they roll her over flip her around climb over her like kids on a jungle gym haha they smile grit their teeth at each other wink bite their lips they think this is fun at first they think it's rape make her cry she cries they are into her crying at first into it from the beginning crying until she stops when a dick is in her mouth uses her hands to jack them off squeeze their balls she moans loudly comes when they come inside her one by one she comes dresses has a soda bubbles swish between her teeth mixed with the taste of come she keeps cleaning when they leave they remember her later they won't forget her father that night stares at her ass as she dusts photographs of her dead mother asks her is she has she been sexually active she's getting to that age maybe we should have a talk he thinks says she says she's talked about it studied boys' bodies the encyclopedia has that section with the organ-systems on clear plastic pages overlapping make up the whole body full of organs all work together daddy I've learned all this talked with other girls with teachers in health class I've read about it the biology she says there's nothing more to talk about she desires to prove herself she shows him what she has learned kneels at his feet as he sits she hugs one of his legs with her cheek on his knee her eyes closed she reaches up and unzips his jeans unfastens his belt pulls out his soft dick and raises her head her eyes still closed confidently she slides the tip between her lips and sucks it gets hard thick long thicker longer than Wally's made her sore she is impressed hungry she takes it all in they are proud of each other he thinks: the girl sucking my dick is my little girl is so good she stands drops her shorts no panties dried come on her thighs he doesn't notice her biting her tongue lowering herself onto his dick is making her gasp inside her proud hungry it is deeper than Wally was her father is fucking her she squeezes thinks: come inside me daddy come inside janey daddy I'm in love with daddy I'm in love (crying) (silently, maybe to god) he thinks: i love this meaning his virgin whore wife slave fertile mother-figure cocksucker dependent lover

    c:  wrinkled and torn porn magazines from 81' and '82 all the girls spread splayed wearing neon pink sunglasses string bikinis stripped panel by panel until there is nothing but thick flesh folds hair I stare at read re-read pictorials the letters:

Hello I'm so nervous so naughty you see my husband was away on business I fucked Jose the gardener we pay him well we work him hard his throbbing meat pole jism filled prick inside felt like an exploding missile inside my oozing cooze was on fire his hose exploding making me hotter burning it was longer longer longer longer shoot your shot his wad inside me pulled out spewed shot hot shot come on my face I am shit strangle me slit my throat with your garden spade fuck my slit Jose, fuck the bloody red gash my gash is yours I'll swallow you: I said to him in English he didn't understand he makes me keep living for his body and though I know he can never afford to leave me I fear he may die somehow before I get my money's worth
your slave,

    d:   An issue of GENESiS: a woman with dark hair in a campground setting: tent fishing poles sleeping bag on the ground under her knees and elbows her ass to the camera looking back her face out of focus looking back over her ass the camera focused on a thick scar running between her cunt and asshole a thick uneven whitish pink peach scar where they had to cut her open to get her baby through her small hole cut open with surgical scissors one blade slid inside the other against her skin, squeeze, snip, open:

    e:   the advertisements in the back for videos amateurs pages of small photos of girls naked laying licking each other touching tongues a thumb and a forefinger pinch a nipple in a close-up under the photos are phone numbers 1-900-cum-cunt two photos in an ad BEFORE and AFTER guaranteed to add one two even three inches to your penis this pump is not like other pumps this is a secret European design sold exclusively in this magazine be the first to add one two even three inches to your penis shipped in a discreet plain brown paper wrapper plus s&h videos all black anal gangbang 102 cumshots teeny tiny titties guys with gigantic cocks unbelievable sex scenes bisexual encounters golden showers call mistress cassandra now, slave

I swallow feel sick overwhelmed jerk-off too young to come on the pages of faces of women holding their cunts open with two fingers mouths open lips wet nipples hard assholes thick and dark photos slightly out of focus flat posed not human inhuman: open

    f:   a family medical guide with centerfold illustrations of naked men women sliced in half and skinless I memorize what's inside but since drawings in books always make things look pretty I question them, decide to find out on my own

    g:   looking through her room things in a drawer I find a novelty a toy French tickler condom in a torn wrapper with a picture of a rubber covered dick on it a devil dick with horns and a nasty naughty face with something dark smeared on it a thumbprint I pull the thing out of the package loosely rolled unroll it is covered with something brown rust red blood? shit? and there is a greasy feel to it inside is wet smells odd salty sour not very appetizing but intriguing

it is long there are hard spikes horns at the tip like little red fingers

I roll it back up stuff it inside the package with my smallest digit it fits but the package splits a little I toss it back into the drawer, wipe the grease off my finger with the bedspread, close the drawer with my foot

this will haunt me later

when she gets home she asks me if I've been going through her things I tell her I haven't she knows I have I can see sense it we have a bond she knows I know something I am visibly smarter I can feel it she is angry makes me go outside tells me to go out to play

I sit outside the door listening to her and her boyfriend talk to her telling him goddamn it Toby got in my drawers and spilled the shit everywhere it's all over that fuckin' rubber it's everywhere fuckin' two or three grams lost just like that gone money down the goddamn drain

he tells her there's plenty left she should lock her door or keep her coke where her kids can't find it

they have a fight over this

when I come in they are still going at it

their screaming keeps me awake all night instead of dreaming I daydream: