neon lights of a theater mall whose anchor tenant was a vast discount toy warehouse and there was a section in the store where catechism lessons were being given and a line of wooden ducks stood on a shelf next to the class and one of the ducks began to talk and had a hinged mouth like the mouth of a marionette and there was another section of the store that carried table saws and lathes and a man with a yellow boating cap was busy working a drill into a block of wood that turned out to be one of the wooden ducks and the metal was whirring into the ducks asshole and the duck didnt seem to mind as its mouth moved on its hinge while quack quack quacking very rapidly so that it sounded like an engine sputtering and blood poured like a river out of the asshole of the duck although the river had globs of yellow fat flowing through it and the fat fell to the floor of the warehouse in soft piles and began to melt slowly into the blood that was covering the floor and the man in the boating cap rolled up his sleeves and had scars on his arms that werent precisely tracks although they moved along the tops of his veins but were more like cross hatched welts with hairs like the hair on the forearms of women growing out of them and his rocky muscles traveled up and down between his wrists and shoulders and he turned away and was wearing an apron and i thought for a moment it was giappetto from the pinocchio story and that we were in that type of workshop situation and i began to back away because the duck was on the floor and attacking my ankles as it waddled through its own fat and blood and i was becoming apprehensive and started to panic because i felt that the duck was poisonous and contained black widow spider venom and i had been told a long time ago that there was a cure for this venom but that you had to search out a tree and i began to think that there might be a department in the warehouse that specialized in the kind of tree that would relieve the pain of a black widow spider bite and i wandered among the avenues of toys while keeping my eyes peeled for the duck that i knew had its own attack path because the duck understood where i was going and had planned out a strategy and had a map in its brain that contained all the aspects and intricacies of the warehouse and there were arrows on its map that traveled at right angles around the store and at a certain point the forward moving tip of the ducks arrow path would intersect my feet as they moved down the aisles of the warehouse and i would become poisoned before getting access to the tree i needed but as luck would have it there was a book store across the street and i hurried in to look for magazines because i wanted to learn how to escape the black widow spider bite and a number of body building journals with pictures of women with huge physiques who were squeezing dumbbells and making grimacing expressions and were ridiculously happy to be lifting and men who were holding them up like prima ballerinas but hadnt shaved and werent presentable were in the racks and one of the magazines was entitled dumbbells in hiding and another was called precious moments and then i was standing at the bow of a boat that was bringing me over from a distant country and staring into the water as it folded back along the keel and dreaming about what it would be like to get to the distant country and had a vague idea i was heading in the wrong direction and was singing to myself but couldnt make out what i was singing and was unaware of what was coming out of my mouth or even of what i intended to sing although i knew i was singing something but there was no way that i would ever be able to tell what kind of singing i was doing as the waves folded around either side of the boat that was taking me in two directions at once and i was looking at a contraption resting against a bollard which had a lever sticking out its top and grinding jaws made of openwork bronze and i thought that it was office equipment or used in cutting cloth but it began to move like the duck moved and the lever jerked back and forth and the various parts of the machine worked together in such a way that it assumed some of the behavioral aspects of a mallard although i realized that it couldnt poison me because it was totally empty and fabricated out of metal and sea air and this made me comfortable until i felt a sharp pain in my side and realized that somehow the machine could jump high in the air and attack me at any soft and vulnerable part of my body and eat out my eye for instance or bite me in the balls or snatch away one of my fingers and i knew that as long as this machine was around i had nowhere to hide and there was nothing that was uncovered that this thing couldnt attack and i also knew that it would attack me when i wasnt looking and so i felt helpless and started searching along the catwalks and passageways for a means of getting off the boat because i didnt believe that the boat was surrounded by water and as a matter of fact i knew with utmost certainty that there were boulevards that led away from the boat and forces that would allow me freedom from the machine and from the desires of the machine which i knew were particularly dangerous because the machine was attacking me for reasons that were known only to the machine and involved something about the nature of the machine and the machines proclivities and there was no negotiation since the machine would be vicious and would attack me every chance it got and would continue to gnaw away at me until there was absolutely nothing left and if there were pieces of me then the machine would gnaw on those pieces and although it was incapable of swallowing it would keep working on me and would start with a fingernail and then it would get a little toe so that i would be rendered ever so slightly less effective and then it would get a big toe so that i would be hobbled or an ear or it would eventually succeed in blinding me but bite by bite it would turn me into nothing but chewable substance and then it would chew and chew and chew with no ulterior detectable motive but the result would be the same in any case and i would be transformed into pulp and someone came up to me with a ticket that would get me off the boat and i had trouble talking because a bolt had been driven through my tongue so that every time it moved it felt sore and overused and i took a piano wire and tied it around my wrist and pulled the wire tight and knotted it and in the palm of my hand was a vortex like one sees when looking at one of those small hand held games where one tries to get a number of ball bearings to settle into holes without knocking the settled ones out and the vortex resembled the painted playing surface of one of those games but this vortex in my palm was moving inward and hypnotizing me and it gave me tremendous pleasure to surrender my will to an unknown power and i felt my will turning soft and hoped that it wasnt someone vile who was taking me over and realized that the vortex in my palm must have been a form of prehypnotic suggestion that allowed me to be hypnotized and that space and time had bent around so that i could surrender myself to my own hand in a predetermined and totally uncancelable fashion but i didnt want the process to be endless and decided then and there to make it a matter of convenience and to stop looking at the vortex and look away from my hand but no matter how hard i tried i couldnt do it and just had to continue to see this twirling pattern digging into my palm and was stuck there and heard a soft voice that was very distant and wondered if this voice were controlling me and part of me wanted to be controlled and was feeling a deep sexual pleasure and part of me didnt want to be controlled and was feeling a sharp jabbing over and over like the clanging of a clapper against the bell of an alarm clock and the jabbing was causing something to rip in the center of my brain and was a stabbing or scooping at my brain cavity with a scalpel or mining tool or excavator so that i was doomed to have a stroke and would always be paralyzed until i moved into another world which perhaps was the world of the distant voices because i realized that the voice i thought was controlling me was a chorus of voices singing a requiem or mass and it might have been the voices of angels or astral powers singing to me or some drug thing or perhaps it was the voices of bubbles in my ears or in my brain like those nymphs that are surrounded by bubbles and rise from the ocean into the air while singing in the light but in any case the voices were beautiful and i stepped onto a raft that had an outboard motor which ran on batteries that made it speed more quickly than an airplane and was scudding through a tunnel and the man with the yellow boating hat was leading the way in another raft so that we resembled a regatta that was heading on a mission of the utmost importance for the future of the world which was a mission or pilgrimage out of legend that people would write about for millennia and would cause the creation of epics and lead us to some type of nautical discovery and we came to a waterfall and teakettled over and tumbled out of our rafts and i felt myself hitting stone after stone as i careened down the endless falls and everything was white foaming chaos about me as i fell with the water while knowing that it was the inherent purpose of water to fall and rise and fall again since it was a vast vat of sliding froth and cascades and heavy slamming white water jetting and bashing down the rocks and shimmering and spouting up and my head kept hitting rock after rock and my body was broken in a thousand places as i continued to fall over and over in the stream and i hit another cascade and was thrust out and burst up into the air and down into the stream again and over another falls and the thunder of the falls was the thunder of a million different thunders and some were mere tinkles and trickles and others were the linked slapping and bashing and pounding of water from the smallest drip to the tug of the sea and the force of the waterfall battered me down and my body rolled against the coursing undersurface and my limbs thrashed in the currents through the dropping mass of sliding water echoing with the suffering and heaving of voices and i landed and drifted into peaceful pools where bulging birds were roosting in the trees overhead and the reeds were rattling around me but i couldnt hear the rattling because my ears were plugged with water and this made my head stuffed and i turned on my back and looked at the sky which was a banner with clouds painted on it dipping down from where it was fastened at the corners and something rose from the depths of the pool and stroked my sides with hands that wanted to beat me off and i almost got off but the water was too cold and so i couldnt but i felt the warmth inside my loins like a warm pond within a cold pond and the edges of warm and cold water battled as to whether the critical warmth would explode or be overwhelmed by the bitter cold of the pond which also in its own way felt satisfying so that i wondered whether cold pleasure was as good as warm pleasure and paddled to the bottom and dwelt in the feeling of being deep within something dark and baffling and luminescent greenish yellow plants and bottle caps and old machinery and coins were shining before my eyes and i stuck my fist into the muck of the pond bottom and it sucked against me as i pumped back and forth and pulled out a squiggly red thing like an appendix or gizzard piece and laid it down among the greenish yellow shimmering things and the light from my forehead created a perfect disk at the bottom of the pond like a moon with continents and valleys and i wanted to swim upward but no matter how hard i tried i had no energy to move up to where i could breathe and decided to move forward instead because to move in a level manner didnt require much effort and there was a hatch in front of me with a circular valve and i turned the wheel and it gave off sparks and sprang open and i was standing in a strange light that i had never seen before and am positive will never see again because it wasnt really light although it lit things up and made them visible and i discovered to my chagrin that i was wearing scuba gear with flippers and women were playing bridge and staring out a window and i removed my gear and was miraculously unbruised and decided to cheat and slinked over and sat in a chair where the dummy hand was being played and removed a card and stuck it between my legs and nobody seemed to notice as they turned around and continued their game but the cards were mystical and the one between my legs was pumping information into my body and a woman behind me put her hand on my shoulder and reached over me and had nothing covering her breasts and the bottom of her right breast appeared just above my head and i reached up with my tongue and licked it and the experience was satisfying and i started nibbling and it was like the sky that was pinned like a blue banner only the banner was made of soft skin that contained wonderful milk and i nibbled against it like a baby but was frustrated because it was the bottom of the breast and there was no nipple but i kept nibbling and the nibbling created a craving for more although there was no reward except for the feeling of nibbling itself and a pewter jar containing carrots stood in the middle of the table and i reached for the jar and grabbed a carrot and took a bite and chewed until it was soft and spread the carrot against the skin of the breast with my tongue and the carrot was stringy and carrot juice fell in my eyes and stung them which seemed to increase my excitement and the edge of the card was sawing into my body and there was no resistance as it sliced into my groin and i loved the pain in my eyes and the pain in my groin which wasnt like stinging but something much more thorough and all i could see was orange with little strings running through it and there was no space around it so that my eyesight was shielded with orange and i was trapped as if i were locked in an orange container and time was slipping in several directions at once and not necessarily backwards or forwards but to the side and i discovered that it was possible to slip sideways out of the channels of time when one was suspended in orangeness which would mean that my mind would be forever trapped and slipping around and moving from side to side slowly like a pendulum or the spinning of a galaxy every five hundred trillion years and the galactic movement would be one half stroke of a pendulum swing and nothing more would happen and it would be my mind and the presence of that horrible orange and i tried to think of time as a coating on a breast and to imagine that there was something living behind the color or under it because i figured that the sensation in and of itself would snap me out of my misery but i didnt want to think about it in the sense that there would be the same agony because i could conceivably spend eternity thinking about trying to get out of eternity which would be just as agonizing and as endless as eternity itself so that one would live moment to moment in a totally unbearable world of pure orange and would not be able to get rid of it or even lessen it a single degree and suddenly there was a noise and i thought that the card table had collapsed and i was elevated to a rooftop of the town and could see into the distance so that what was close and confining was now spacious and changing and i felt immensely relieved that there were details in life but still didnt feel happy but oppressed because the feeling i had just experienced wouldnt go away but was coloring everything a shade that would remain forever in my conscience and i sat on the rooftop and my legs were tangled in space and my breathing was not in and out but into and out of and orange still held in certain tints on the rooftops and i decided to flee to the mountains which werent mountains but depictions of mountains that could be climbed and i was furnished with a pike and a stout pair of shoes with soles like the rubber on truck tires and i didnt need to start at the bottom but at the top where bellflowers were growing and i knew i had to make my way to a shrine that was several precipices over and the mountains were in a row with peaks sticking up like teeth on a saw and on one of the distant peaks was a temple with a steeple and bells in the same shape as the flowers i was standing on and i started down the trail but the path was at a steep decline and i was having trouble keeping my feet under me because the tires werent fastened tightly to the shanks of my boots and my skin was sticking out the sides of the insoles and there were scabs and mushroom like stains on my feet and i noticed a change in the weather and a sweet smell rising from the valleys and i looked out to sea and sailboats were bobbing in a harbor and fish were darting out of the water and i reached into my pocket and pulled out a dictionary and noticed that the entries looked like egyptian because they all started with the word nile and there was a hammock by the seashore and i wanted to take a nap and started swinging back and forth and my eyes closed and i began experimenting with the notion of boundaries between sleeping and waking in the sense that i kept falling asleep and waking into another reality in which i could fall asleep again in order to wake and the situation didnt seem to change because i never left the hammock but when i opened my eyes i was swinging in a different world although there was always the ocean and boats at sea and gay fish jumping out of the water and a large jacaranda with purple blossoms but i knew that every time i fell asleep i would fall into a new level of sensation and breathing but when i awoke i would ratchet up through all the sleeping worlds to the top world in which i had fallen asleep originally when i lay in the hammock and closed my eyes so that all of my dream states were collapsible into the original state i was in before i first fell asleep and i wondered if falling asleep could be changed into a method of exploring so that one could investigate all the worlds that surround and support a world where sleeping is impossible and there was a male chimpanzee in the jacaranda who could speak english and who indicated he was sleeping even as he talked and in his dreams it was possible to make love with other animals but when he was awake he was limited to chimpanzees and unsuspecting humans and i asked what kind of humans and he said small children who were investigating their own sexuality and he agreed to share a vital secret with me since i was interested in exploring the underlying structures of sleep and told me how to create a white blossom in the lowest depths of consciousness and as he spoke he motioned towards an origami construction hanging from a chain that looked like a cabbage made out of red metal and i objected that it was supposed to be a white blossom but he pointed with a fescue at my head and said that my head couldnt keep anything intact anyway and that when i constructed an image it was actually tens of thousands of smaller images each of which could be turned into the one original image and all those images side by side were like a net so that anything i thought was composed mostly of holes or emptiness and within the redness there could be whiteness and as he described this inner whiteness a light in my brain suddenly began to flicker and i couldnt see anything clearly and this made me frightened and i wanted to beg the monkey for something as if by saying words in the form of begging my eyesight would clear and the flickering which was starting to throw me into a seizure would stop because through begging i could be forgiven and there wouldnt be the possibility of future flickering and i wouldnt have a seizure and my body wouldnt go rigid and start banging on the ground and i wouldnt bite off my tongue or stick my fingers viciously in my own eyes to stop the light from pounding into my head in the blinding periods between darkness and my head wouldnt explode so that the plate that was on the upper right side of my skull about two thirds of the way back wouldnt blast away from my head and my brains wouldnt splatter against the trunk of the jacaranda and jism wouldnt spurt out my prick either and my balls wouldnt burst and shit wouldnt come exploding out my asshole and i wouldnt have bones coming apart beneath my skin but there was something in me that wanted to continue to hurt and for the flickering to continue because pleasure unless it is mostly pain didnt interest me and there is a form of pain that is so unbearable that it cannot be suffered and yet in its less intense form forms the greatest pain that human beings feel in the worst possible circumstances and the monkey told me that it was important to learn how to survive this incredible form of pain and before i awoke from my sleep on the hammock i would need to be tested in order to determine whether or not i could bear such misery and the next thing i knew i was buried in a coffin the size and shape of a railroad car and all i could see out its windows were stones and the coffin was moving along a track within the underground confines of a cemetery and winding among the graves without hitting other coffins and it occurred to me that it was unlikely i was dead in any conventional sense because i was still thinking and i began to worry that there was no evidence that i could ever stop this thinking even if i were willing to do so and that thinking could be thought of as a line extending through endless space and there was no way of terminating the line or a sentence within the line or a phrase within the sentence within the line because without an end to anything large the small things within the large things have no ending either so that any thought was just as endless as the line itself and one could take a particular thought which would be comparable to a point on the line and move forward to any other point and the movement would create an infinite variety of additional thoughts and if one were dealing with feet on the line and started at 57773832095 feet and moved forward one would get a certain train of thought but if one were dealing with a different standard of measurement such as nanoinches that same point on the line where one started expressed in nanoinches might be 987382938475028398763672483 and moving the same distance down the line would produce a different sequence of numbers so that each sequence would be unique and since a brain can be considered as a singular system of numeric measurement therefore every thought although originating on the same endless line of thinking is essentially incommunicable and as i paced up and down in my coffin it seemed that my existence wasnt as pleasant as it had been when i was living less mathematically on the surface of the planet and yet i found that through the brute force of an imagination devoid of scientific speculation i could escape my confining circumstances and i wandered into the morning air where truckers were sipping steaming coffee and eating danishes and there were carcasses hanging from gambrel hooks and mist was coming out the nostrils of prostitutes who were leaning against a loading platform and they told me they were mermaids for hire but i didnt know what they would do if i paid them money because i couldnt estimate their abilities and knew that since they had fins from the waist down they couldnt fuck and considering that their mouths were stuffed with rancid fish they couldnt use them either and how they could communicate with me i couldnt tell and i wondered if they had anything i wanted and a manicurist was kneeling in front of one of the mermaids and buffing her nails which were round and fat and disgusting and the manicurist breathed moisture onto the mermaids nails and could see her features reflected in each nail and know that her face would never age and that her hands would never fail her and justice moved like a breeze through the manicurists hair and one of the mermaids was self consciously stroking up and down her scales and this was giving her sexual pleasure and she was about to come inside herself like along some pole but the manicurist was too busy working to notice and i joined the mermaids in a bar and a man came up and pinched one of the mermaids on a fin and i rose immediately and attacked him and beat him with a wooden post until his head came off and shot across the floor of the saloon like a drop of mercury and i chased the mercury head with my stick and kept bashing it and it kept wriggling away and people got in my way and i took the other side of the stick which was pointed and thrust it through the stomach of one of the people who was annoying me and he reeled backwards and i started to break up the bar and threw a chair into the shelves of liquor behind the bartender and he took out a club and tried to beat me with it and the club was cast iron and i decided it was mind over matter and stood there and meditated and the bartenders beating was totally ineffective but i felt that i was being magnetized and as he was hitting me with the iron club all of the atoms in my body were lining up in one direction so that things started flying at me that were made out of metal such as ashtrays and cylinders and knives and metal shavings and pins and strange balls with spikes on them like maces and the magnetism became stronger as he was beating me and i was being attracted to something else and was jerked off the ground and yanked out the window of the bar with a scattering of flying metal objects trailing after me and was speeding down the streets and moving much faster than any automobile gliding two feet off the ground but i didnt hit anything because there was something about my magnetism that maintained a distance from everything nonmagnetic and i was moving smoothly and quickly around cars and people and hydrants and light poles and signs and trees and at one point i moved through a thick crowd as if i were a subatomic particle that could penetrate anything and emerge whole on the other side and nobody got knocked down and then i was flying over fields and canyons and i looked behind me and there was a host of objects and i was pulled through a sieve and felt myself losing something but couldnt understand what it was i was losing and then there was another sieve and i felt myself losing something else but still didnt know what it was and felt that i was lighter in the air and floated with more ease as i was being tugged and strained through another sieve and again something was taken off me but i didnt have any understanding of what the process was or why i was being put through it and then there was another screen and i went through it and nothing happened except that i felt that perhaps id lost an internal organ like a pancreas or that something i didnt understand and wasnt essential had been removed from my body and then i was standing outside an old house and there was a bin that said slave bracelets on a label that fit into a plastic slot and i put one on and it was heavy and fashioned out of brass and there was a counter which looked like an odometer that clasped the bracelet shut and the numbers spun around and kept ascending and i figured that the numbers were counting the ever increasing supply of global slaves but i didnt feel any different inside although i wondered if i were being forced to perform certain actions and wasnt aware of it and decided to keep an inventory of all my actions and when i performed something more than once i would consider it a slave action and try not to perform it again and if i performed it again i would take off the bracelet and go to sleep in one of those bedrooms in old houses that are occupied by decayed and malicious spinsters or grandmothers who warp their children while their grandchildren watch with soft eyes and i ascended rickety stairs and when i entered the bedroom i was surprised because it was a bookie joint and a man was sitting by a phone with a pile of chits in front of him talking about a horse that was sick with autoamnesia and couldnt remember that it was a horse and he had bet a lot of cash and wanted to make certain he collected because the race had been fixed and he hadnt laid off any money and the horse had suffered a stroke and was paralyzed along the withers and he felt that something must be done to increase the circulation to the horses brain and i sat on a sofa and opened a beer although i couldnt tell if it was a bottle or a glass and felt the beer rising in my throat and my windpipe went into spasm and bubbles were catching in the upper part of my chest and i started to panic because i thought that getting drunk meant choking to death and felt that i needed a different solution to my emotional problems in the form of drugs and that the man behind the desk could score for me if i gave him inside information but i had no idea what inside information was and started to think about what it meant to have information in the first place but i didnt have a clue and so i made him an offer although i dont know what i offered him but i know that i offered him something and he handed me a packet and i went into a corner and opened it and i cooked and strained the contents but when i put a spike to it it started to coagulate and i cooked it up some more by increasing the heat because i had in my possession a miniature blow torch apparatus and a snowman started growing out of the spoon with three balls one placed on top of the other that twisted and turned upside down like a caterpillar forming a cocoon while hanging from invisible thread and i took my thumb and squashed it into the spoon and could feel it succumbing under the tip of my thumb and each of its three balls were wiggling around and it gave up and dissolved and i started fiddling with my kit but couldnt get anything to work properly and started to feel drug hunger and my body ached and my cheeks salivated and my eyes watered and i wanted more than anything else to get off but couldnt and i even thought a little coke mixed in would be good and that what i needed was a cocktail and i turned to ask the man for more but he had disappeared and the horse with autoamnesia was laughing at me as it pulled back its lips and i was transported to saigon where it was hot and humid and the streets were brown and filled with dust because it wasnt modern saigon but an ancient village called saigon and men were hanging by their hands like tetherballs from poles and i could see they had wet their pants since there were circular urine stains on the poles from where they had swung around while peeing and there was a parade with women wearing plastic see through drum majorette clothing and one of the women had a tampon string hanging below the plastic of her skirt and i was sitting with my legs crossed in the middle of the road as the parade of drum majorettes approached and the woman with the tampon string was directly in front of me and coming on top of me and i felt as she passed over me that i was looking up into a carpet of thorns and i leaned my head back and arched my back and watched her feet moving away from me and she was sashaying as she tossed her baton in the air and there were baby blue triangular fringes on her boots and silver bells and her beautiful large ass was jiggling beneath the plastic and i continued to strain and arch my back upward and grabbed my prick with my left hand and began moving my fist vigorously trying to masturbate and continued to arch my back and neck while straining backwards to catch a glimpse of her beautiful large ass as she moved farther away from me down the street and my back began to hurt from the strain and my prick turned into a glass tube and began to smart and i gave up masturbating but the tube was hanging heavily between my legs with liquid in it and ticker tape and confetti were falling from surrounding buildings and i realized that the parade was to celebrate the liberation of asia and i had to move carefully because i was afraid that the glass between my legs would break and liquid would pour out of the tube onto my feet and a gigantic mechanical animal was marching in the parade while moving its head from side to side and it was halfway between a giant bear and a lion and and had a bear muzzle and its head was surrounded with a mane of fur and there were men with whips on either side of the animal making certain it was under control and my viewpoint was above the animal looking down as it lumbered along the street and yet i was still on my back and began to think there was a television in my brain and i wasnt seeing through my eyes but was looking through the back of a television out to a room and what i was seeing were people watching a television picture of the animal taken from a camera mounted on the bottom of an airplane so that i was somehow involved in a loop where i was seeing through something mechanical that allowed me to see through the peoples eyes who were looking at another mechanical thing that exhibited an image taken from an airplane that contained the animal and this didnt make much sense although the proof was that i was seeing something from my position on the ground with my back arched that was impossible to see except from the air and i felt elated but strangely disembodied because it was impossible for me to be on the ground and off the ground simultaneously and this meant for the first time since entering the village that my body had become irrelevant to the act of seeing and yet i wanted to satisfy my body and had wanted to dream something beyond the boundaries of my skin and at the same time had wanted to manipulate my body physically so that it was satisfied and had put myself in the position of using my brain and muscles together in order to give my body what it wanted and thought i was seeing the giant bear lion mongrel because i had failed to give my body an orgasm and consequently my body had made an independent decision to become irrelevant and thrust me into a different mode of sensation and that the mechanical monster was the construct of my body which had an imagination independent of my brain imagination and could enforce its will and overpower my brain faculties and insert its bodily intelligence into my skull and the bearlion was putting one foot in front of the other and while looking down on it from above i could see that it had begun to become more active and prance in time to music which i couldnt hear and was making the handlers nervous and broke loose and went amok and crushed innocent people and there wasnt anything anybody could do and yet my theories were wrong because i was actually in a helicopter and that was the reason i was looking down on the monster and i could see a man below in the street with his back arched clutching his pants and i had received a controlled emission statement demanding that i lift up the giant mongrel and there was a harpoon with a hook on the helicopter that was launched from a tube running beneath the chassis and i shot it off and snagged the animal by the scruff of the neck and it froze when the hook latched onto its neckchain as if someone had turned off the source of its energy and i hoisted it above the buildings of the village and it soared above the helicopter and the hook came off and its energy was restored and it started moving its head from side to side as it pranced along the surface of the clouds and there were other parading mechanical animals in the sky as well and the vietnamese sun was hot but the animals didnt seem to mind and were enjoying themselves immensely and i bade goodbye to vietnam and flew my helicopter to florida and landed in miami on a beach where there was a stall in which an italian woman was giving away cigarettes laced with psychedelic chemicals and i wanted to get high so i took a cigarette from the woman but as i smoked part of it i began to ache and felt sick and unfocused and thirsty and staggered along the beach and the cigarette removed all of my fantasies so that it was impossible to fantasize about the fish in the florida ocean and whenever i thought about them i could only track them because my mental faculties were limited to decisions involving the directions in which the fish were moving and my mind had expanded to encompass the energy fields of all the fish in the water who were swimming in my head and i could tell their next moves before they made them but couldnt tell anything else about them and couldnt tell what they were or what they wanted or what their goals or aspirations were but i knew with perfect clarity where they were going and tried to determine for my own benefit how far ahead i could judge their motions and i experienced the entire massive movement of fish as a single sensation and was always ahead of where they were and saw the fish at a point in time that was not the present but slightly in the future and understood the structure of the ocean for i was an osteopath of the atlantic although i couldnt manipulate anything and thought of the currents as muscles and fish as bones and the movements of the ocean as the movements of a body writhing within its endless banks and tossing and turning like a sleepless maniac filled with fish and there was a sound reflecting off the surface like the singing of whales although my intuition seemed problematic because i could hear laughing and there seemed to be a constant oceanic sexual obsession as if the ocean were driven in sleep to laugh about reproduction and think constantly about what it was reproducing and killing inside its vast marginless womb and the ocean couldnt wake up but was laughing in its restless sleep and because i was bereft of fantasy i could see that the sun set in the ocean and later rose out of it and that what everyone for thousands of years had believed in thousands of cultures was the obvious unfantasizable reality of the suns immersion in the sleep of the ocean so that the sun was hatcheting into the ocean at night and out of the ocean in the morning and the ocean was being constantly pummeled by the sun and in its restless oblivion was washing the sun and turning it into the moon and that the shape and size of the moon was dependent on delta waves of dreaming oceanic concerns and when the seas were filled with energy the moon grew and expanded into its washed purities of floating being and the water world would curve out and the fish expanded in joy to the bowing of the surface of the sea and i tried to concentrate as i took hungry puffs on my italian beach cigarette and the sky was woven with thin cobalt fabric and minuscule animals hung in the shredding of the heavens and i thought back to my experiences in the helicopter and saw that the animals in the sky were magnifications based on a lack of proper drugs of the animals that were actually in the firmament and these sky animals were the pollinators of the land based creatures that moved on the surface of the planet and were created by sky animals with joyous eyes and as i sat on the beach a religious party with clashing symbols was chanting ecstatically that they had adopted the best religion based on singing the original song of creation from three oclock to five oclock every afternoon and there was a sandpiper with its beak in the water moving up and down like an oil pump and the religious party was worshipping the bird as some kind of avatar or corporate head who deserved to be revered because of his good manners and an indian wanted to show me the world headquarters of the bird worshipers which was down the beach and i was taken on a dune buggy to the headquarters which said ornith hollow over the door which was the name of the blind leader of the clan who was responsible for the profits of the group and scientists who tested the performance of weapons were eating bread and rancid fish jam in a darkened room that looked like the nerve center of a submarine and i asked what kind of jam they were eating and they said it was for reverts but i didnt understand what that meant and they said that the organs in their bodies were displaced in reverse and all the connections were lengthened and gummed up so that things went smoothly on the outside but inside because of everything being turned around they were a mess and needed to eat rancid fish jam to ease the constant nervousness that beset them and there were cages containing kidneys on a counter and they claimed this was part of an examining process and they were looking at my abdomen and i saw i had been trapped and panicked and wanted to get out of the laboratory before these reverts stole my internal organs and the man who brought me into the lab assured me that my organs were unimportant and were actually superfluous and that medical science was wrong because internal organs were really only there for each other and didnt help keep people alive but were interconnected functions that needed the casing of a body to justify themselves and that the true source of life was in the skin and people died because their skin was punctured or not supported in some way from the inside and if one were to say the name of god over and over every afternoon between three oclock and five oclock this would fill the human body with good vibrations called fibrillations and these fibrillations would keep the body puffed up and healthy and the human body would not be able to collapse no matter what the organs wanted and therefore i could donate my organs to the group and this made sense because organs impressed me as being absurd and ugly and unrecognizable and i wondered why they were designed in the first place because it would have been a lot simpler to have one substance that was a human jello that without being filled with anything would be capable of doing everything a human wanted and that people should be skin and pure interior organless jello and the next thing i knew i was strapped to a gurney and the scientists were turning me in a circle while saying they didnt believe in anesthesia but only in turning the patient until it would be possible to operate painlessly and take out what they wanted and they would pay me for what they needed because they had a subsidized project to replace every one of their organs with organs that faced in the right direction and when i woke from my operation my brain felt sore but the rest of my body was ok so i realized that they hadnt removed my organs at all but only a portion of my brain that governed the control of the organs for what they wanted was to appropriate the control centers and the portion of the brain they had removed if treated and bathed in the proper chemicals could be reactivated as a kind of switch that would command the organs in their bodies to unrevert and my brain section could be placed under a bell jar and tubes connecting to the jar could be placed in the ear of each of the weapons scientists and they could thereby cure their medical condition and a nurse brought me dinner on a tray but there was something frightening about her appearance as though she harbored a malicious motive associated with serving food and it occurred to me that perhaps it wasnt the woman but my brain that was posing the real threat and that she was a gifted nurse and my brain with the sector removed would always make me doubt people and i tried to cover every inch of the nurses body with some kind of thought process so that no observation could slip past me and as she walked i would be able to see every single inch of her and know everything about how she manifested herself and i noticed that the food was undercooked and i started to eat cold mashed potatoes and was in a cafe and a waiter came up but i couldnt hear what he was saying and realized that i couldnt hear anything and that things that people had been telling me were in fact things that i had been telling myself ever since my operation and since part of my head was missing i began to worry that the world as it was presently constituted didnt have a rationale and i ordered more lumpy mashed potatoes but before i could finish my order there was a hospital tray in front of me with mashed potatoes on it as if it had been waiting in some hospital reality for me to order it and then had been transported instantaneously by the waitstaff to my cafe table and served or else that i was still in the hospital room and the mashed potatoes i had eaten there had forced me to hallucinate or worse that my mind without the brain sector that had been removed by the reverts had caused me to be in a perpetual state of hallucination and that all thinking was hospitalized thinking and always needed to be nursed and i got up from my table at the cafe and walked into a plaza where birds were wheeling through the air in a storm of meat and i was late because i had to make it to election headquarters to run for political office and was back in the submarine room talking with the scientists but hadnt yet agreed to the operation because as it turned out i was only engaged in forward thinking which was as much as to say that i was really back on the beach thinking about the fish in the ocean but what had happened was that i had redirected the fish thinking to thinking of my own actions and had gotten a step ahead of myself and was thinking about the brain operation and the results of the brain operation and yet my brain was actually intact although my forward thinking had gotten me into the hallucinatory position of having a dissected mental organ which meant that with my nonfantasizable mind i was engaged in the process of fantasizing which was very confusing and i was in some kind of mental loop between fantasy and reality because all i really wanted was to plot things out and extend all of my actions a small distance into the future and here i had involved myself in a horrid possibility and it was really more comforting to move backwards instead of forwards and i thought of the example of forming a band to play music in which case it would be better to spend time forming the band in order to have the possibility of playing the music than it would be to play the music itself because to play the music would involve all sorts of risks whereas the construction of scenarios that allowed for music was the most important musical act and so there must be a music to musical construction and i realized that ever since i had taken that cigarette i had been outside the flow of events and that in certain mental states one could think but that all the thoughts arising from those states would simply cease to be and all that would be left would be the thoughtless trail of events and sewage of mental flows without any analytical mentalities and that such concepts as analytical mentality would be impossible to remember although in sleep it would be possible to think anything and that perhaps in sleep the best thoughts were always being manufactured but it wasnt these thoughts that were remembered on waking so that people didnt realize that when they slept they were doing their deepest and most analytical thinking involving the most exquisite dictions and discriminations but that on waking they would only have the sucked out rinds of their thoughts on which to reflect and only a disgusting dump and slush of primitive impulses would remain in the waking persons memory and ever since i had leaned back to witness the mammoth ass of the drum majorette and left my body and ascended over the body of the prancing animal i felt that i had progressed and made some subtle moral improvements and had eventually wound up on the beach getting stoned on weed that was laced with superpowerful psychedelic chemical and yet in fact i was involved in a personal headtrip and thoughts from the past were glued into my brain whereas other thoughts hardly seemed to be there and were the black masses of the ninety nine point nine nine nine percent of all thought that never makes it past the exterior surface of the unconscious and are the glints and moods and distractions and lucubrations and meditations and rationalizations and brilliant sorties of logic that form the unformed mass of cosmic thinking and account for the uncounted heft of the universe but that the events that occurred much earlier in my thought life when i was sober and more event oriented had turned into a frustrating and fearsome tangle of considerations and judgments which is a real problem with psychedelics and i became unmoored and tasted madness because madness has a specific taste and is something that forms in the mouth although as i thought about the taste of madness i couldnt taste it and couldnt get my mind to make the taste reoccur and realized that i didnt know if i could ever taste it again or if i ever had tasted it before because to taste madness is to become mad and the truth is that there is no escape from madness and it is impossible to become sane once one is mad for i was in a state of mental activity which is one step away from oblivion and was thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking and becoming more entangled in the entangling processes of my brain going round and round and round which was reflected in my language because i knew that when i was that close to the rim in fact i was actually asleep on a floating lip at the edge of madness looking into a bowl that was slowly turning green which was a bowl of clear water that had one organism in it which was a splittable organism or in other words a one thing creature intent on becoming a two thing creature and this ambition would eventually pollute the water and make it smell like rancid fish oil and i put my nose over the bowl but couldnt smell anything because i was thinking smells but wasnt smelling smells and could see into the water where this creature was starting to split because the integrity of the water had been compromised which is the condition surrounding all ambition and the intentions of the organism in the water were repugnant to the water which was about to begin to lose its clarity and i wondered if the clock could be turned back on reality and if there were a clear presence somewhere and a way for the water to become clear again through the elimination of life and i realized that a universe without life wouldnt be lifeless but would be life fulfilling and unreflective and a perfect world where nothing would ever come back to haunt the brain and if there were a world composed only of rocks and assuming rocks had no consciousness then there would be a perfect lack of awareness and the rocks would be there but there would be no place for the rocks to be where they were and it would be perfect because it would be a perfect presence and clear greenless water but i didnt want that kind of clarity because that would mean that my train of thought would stop and it would be the end of all thought and the end of all experience which in a way i wanted but in a way i didnt because i had this pristine notion of being able to stay in one mental place and remain unmoving and awake forever but the mind causes sleep and the mind kills us all the time and continually slaughters us and drives us down into the kind of thinking im engaged in now and which i had been engaged in every since my sleeping conversation with the chimpanzee and which had been growing more and more entangled and disorganized and which can be defined as constant thinking in the mad background we all entered at one point in eternity and never left which is constant madness that has no truth and is not the madness of adjustment or misperception or inexpressiveness or loss and is not the madness where one is unable to understand or relate and is not the mad mind dealing in terms the sane dont understand but is absolute madness where the senses are mixed and the mind works through its own embattled universe and i was sick of my tangled thoughts and language and was tired from the relentless wrinkles in the smooth movement of situations caused by the psychedelic cigarette and wanted to camp on the beach but it wasnt safe because bikers rode through miami and stabbed people in their sleep and i crossed a divider that separated the beach from a gravel path through a dark pine forest and came upon a cabin that had one light burning and a man in a felt jacket was perusing a book in front of a roaring fire and invited me in and the wind was howling although puffy flocks of snow were falling gently and sifting among the pines and the shutters were banging and i opened the sash and felt a twinge of foreboding because the man in the jacket was standing behind me and as i turned around he thrust an ancient codex in my face and i peered at the page in front of my nose and saw that it was a book of the dead and revealed many bardos of meandering which dictate the paths and positions and constellations of souls which have been reconfigured by god in his infinite wisdom based on answers to a simple question which every human being immediately after death according to the illuminated meandering bardo of the book is required to answer in his or her own particular language and this question is can you catch this ball if i throw it to you and the ball is a beach ball and the interrogator is the archangel michael who is standing in front of the dead person in flames of gold with fiery wings of purest green and holding the colorful superlarge ball directly above his flaming head and if the person says no and refuses to try to catch the ball then the angel will say that he was only trying to be helpful because the dead person was such a marvelous individual in his former life and that this empty exercise in spiritual sportsmanship is a mere formality and slight inconvenience and the angel will make it easy and throw the ball slowly and accurately and it will be virtually impossible not to catch the ball since it possesses a sticky surface and will adhere to the hand and therefore to catch the ball means barely to touch the ball but if a dead person asks what will happen if he or she is unable to catch it the angel answers frankly that that person will immediately tumble into hell and sizzle and burn for all eternity in a hopeless state of degradation ruthless torture and agonizing damnation with never the possibility of a second chance but if the dead person catches the ball then he or she is guaranteed to soar into the heavens and sing psalms to the creator in a state of perpetual grace and ecstasy and if the person elects the only other available option and stubbornly refuses to play the game then that dead person will stay where he or she is with the angel and the ball and the circumstances will never change and the angel will ask the same question over and over in the same tone of voice and for eons and eons the question will be repeated as if a film clip were being looped relentlessly through the spools of the brain of the dead person without any pause in a nightmare world of repetition just as thought ribbons are strung through the capstans in the deteriorating skulls of corpses in coffins and the words of the question can you catch this ball if i throw it to you eventually will wear down and lose their coatings from being pronounced over and over by the angel and the consonants will become mushy and dissolve into vowels which will become flatter and longer and the vocalic vibrations will be abraded and the overtones will become smooth like worn rope and the words themselves will turn toneless although they will retain their precise meaning because the meaning will always be can you catch this ball if i throw it to you and the gist of the angels message will eternally be the same without any additional or lesser nuance but the sounds that enforce the meaning will become eroded and corroded and yet the dead person will have the liberty to make any response that he or she wishes at any time because there will be no limit to the freshness and inventiveness and earnestness of the language that the dead person himself or herself can employ nor to the exhortations or denials or wheedling blandishments or manufactured crises or loathsome threats or vituperations or bargains or philosophical speculations or strained predictions or stale hopes or wild seductions or divulged dreams or sorceries or prescriptions or role reversals or emotional payments or any other posthuman communication that the dead person can employ in order to get out of the predicament because there is always freedom of expression in the spirit world and yet the demand of the angel will always be the same because the existential basis of nonexistence is eternally consistent and the demand is and always will be can you catch this ball if i throw it to you and it does not do a whit of good to claim that this question is absurd and that the universe was not created so that the dead would be intimidated into catching beach balls for the question will be wasted because the answer never varies and the question itself can never be called into question nor the situation ever be changed until the spirit is forced into action and in many cases the situation festers and the dead person broods about the eternal ravages of hell and wonders whether his or her new spiritual body will respond on demand in a coordinated way once the ball has been tossed and yet the ball seems so large and easy to catch and the archangel michael so benevolent that the exercise in ball catching seems to be a superfluous preliminary to permanent bliss and meanwhile the spirit is plunged into distress and begins to think that the question is a hoax or that the ball will be tossed over the angels shoulder so that the dead person begins to question the very nature of the exercise and more specifically the benevolence or malevolence of divine power and in order to avoid the emotional consequences of this dilemma he or she tries to convince him or herself that he or she hasnt been questioned over and over in a world without clocks and that the notion of duration in front of the angel isnt duration at all but an instantaneous perception that has never been duplicated and the question can you catch this ball if i throw it to you has never been asked more than once but such speculation hardly makes any difference because regardless of how long the interrogation has lasted the angel michael is still holding his ball aloft and will never go away nor budge an inch over the life of the universe or several universes or an infinite number of universes because the dead person will always be required to make a decision and the persistence of the angel with the beach ball will outlast any delusion or waffling or fantasy or craziness so that the spirit begins to doubt that the angels question is in fact a question but rather might be a devilish form of goading and tormenting the spirit who still has hands and has retained the most vibrant body of his or her youth and is perfectly capable of catching any ball that is tossed to him or her and even those few unfortunates who were paralyzed throughout their lives or born without limbs or were in any other way disadvantaged are restored through gods mercy to perfect health and flexibility and therefore one has to wonder why the question is being posed in the first place and yet there is no way to beg such a question because one is still faced with the solidity of the situation as it constantly and eternally presents itself to the dead person and it is only natural that the spirit start to complain about the repetitive nature of the reality thrust upon him or her and whether the archangel michael is actually telling the truth about how easy the ball would be to catch and the validity of the reward and punishment system he claims has been established because there is also the grim possibility that the opposite results will occur and that the spirit who catches the ball will be damned and the one who doesnt will be saved and yet as long as the angel doesnt go away then neither does the endless thinking the angel engenders because every situation requires thought and if a situation remains unchanged then so does the thinking process concerning that situation so that futile thoughts in and of themselves can be said to be effects of circumstances and the only thing as endless as the presence of the angel is the endless thought about the endless presence of the angel and the meandering bardo of self emancipation which i saw as i peered into the book that was thrust into my face by the man who was wearing the felt jacket and standing in front of the roaring fire in his cabin had a solution for the dilemma which was contained on the very next page which told me the somber truth about catching the ball and revealed that the outcome was predetermined by iron laws and that even the response of the dead spirit was decreed well in advance of the birth of his suffering spirit on earth and therefore the process of thinking was futile in the first place and could be avoided just by having access to the book i was reading and i decided that i needed to rest my brain from the torments i had been experiencing and go for a walk in the woods to commune with the snowy night and there was a tribe of wolfchasers that were bivouacking outside the man in the felt jackets cabin and their name in the wolfchaser language was moosechaser because the way to chase wolves is to chase the weakest of their prey and at first i thought it might have been a social group of native americans but that wasnt the case because the group was actually composed of retired army colonels who had wild romantic ideas about living off the land and had formed a rebel militia to kill endangered species because they didnt want any bureaucracy to dictate their choices and had beer guts and wore little bands around their heads with feathers sticking up in the air and they spied a moose on the gravel path and went running after it through the woods while whooping and carrying on and i chased them down the path and they were moving in a straight line as fast as they could with one directly behind the other and i was the last person in the line and running behind them and behind me was a large pack of wolves that was chasing me down and i was trapped between the wolfchasers who were running after the moose and the wolves who were running after me and i knew i had a problem because i couldnt figure out the wolves motives because it was possible they were chasing me and it was possible they were chasing the wolfchasers and it was possible they were chasing the moose that the wolfchasers were chasing but the only way i could find out who was chasing whom was to veer off the gravel and pursue my own path and if the wolves turned after me i knew i would be finished and would become a substitute moose but if they chased the wolfchasers then i would only have to worry about being lost although the pain of being lost in the woods or even worse of being lost in ones head in the woods can be worse than the fear of teeth and through force of habit i kept running on gravel and the snowstorm increased and the snow became thick and formed ridges of crystals along my forehead and the water melted into my eyes and smarted and because i was still wearing my beach clothing from miami i was extremely uncomfortable and a collar of snow formed around the collar of my tropical shirt and the water that melted from the heat of my bodily exertion ran in streams down my chest and back and down my butt and legs to my ankles as i searched for a well of energy within my body so that i could increase my speed and pass the wolfchasers and the retired army colonels would then form a barrier of beer bellies between me and the wolves and this would have the added benefit of keeping me from getting lost in the woods because i would still be part of the line of pursuit only i would then be between the wolfchasers and the moose and would be flowing through the forest with a purpose and the forest would have meaning as a result of the hunt and the battle of nature i was participating in because i knew that a forest is nothing more than a living background for foraging and murder and i was panting and the wolves were gaining and the pack which consisted of a dozen or so animals was four or five steps behind me and i could hear them calling to each other although i couldnt make sense of what they were saying but i intuited that all of them had names and were having a discussion before dinner and it was a distracted form of socializing they were engaged in where they would call each other affectionately as they were attacking and discuss the cubs and how hungry they were and how the old bones just werent holding up the way they used to and all sorts of useless drivel while the phalanx of salivating snarling predators was racing behind me and slowly gaining ground and i was up to my ankles in the furry softness of flurries that smelled of the clean night of pines and was suddenly catapulted up in the air by a slingshot mechanism that had been laid as a guerrilla trap along the path by an intelligence branch of the government in order to maim the rebellious colonels and i tumbled like a cannonball arching through the skies and it suddenly became cloudless and i could see the earth and a full moon and then the stars and then the earth and the moon and the stars and the earth and the moon and then the stars and then the earth and the full moon and the stars and the earth and then the full moon and the stars and as i fell i could see the sides of the trees and the moon and a few stars and then the earth and then the moon and then the trees and then the earth again as i abruptly and unexpectedly landed and something mammoth detonated and the thermonuclear impact of my body caused a huge crater in a vast desert landscape where all the forest trees had been blown away and i was at ground zero and rose and dusted the snow off my pants and took a deep breath and noticed there was no curve to the earth anymore and no horizon and the land went on forever in all directions and this desert was an endless flat planet that wheeled through contorted space and the stars were so huge that they resembled twisted squares of light and the ground was made of rusted steel with rows of evenly spaced protuberances or bosses that ran off into the distance like plants in an infinite field or metal and i knew that these protuberances were graves and that those who were buried on this flat and immaculate plane were sealed in an unbreachable force field and doomed to anonymity that was so complete that they lay in their drilled spaces and couldnt remember ever having been alive and in this sense were like those who are living but cant remember their previous deadness but these dead while being in the opposite position had no worries because there was no ego in their lifelessness to cause a problem and there was a nut attached to a bolt whose threads were sticking out of the earth and a tool to loosen the nut and i realized that if i removed this nut the graves on the plane would open in unison but i refused to touch the tool and turned and standing next to me was a penguinlike creature shrouded in a sea of electrons and bright sparkling particles like tiny bits of colored candies orbited about his head and body and although i could locate his head i couldnt make out his features and couldnt see if he were human or a penguin or if he had eyes or a nose or a mouth or a bill or how many limbs or fins he had because his bodily mass flowed within the seams and grooves that nestled within the electron field and he gazed around the terrain and waved an indistinct object over my head and it felt like a shutter snapping shut and i was alone and isolated and buried within the drilled in spaces of the metal and there was no one there or anywhere and everything was darkness and i realized in horror that i had no body and wasnt breathing and there was no sense of my being connected to anything and i was a mind with nothing outside it and there was no creation except for the voice which was me and then there was no voice and nobody was saying anything and i had no senses and there was no train of thought but i existed nonetheless because there was thinking going on but i couldnt tell what that thinking was or who was thinking thoughts and consequently there was nothing to hold onto and i tried to evoke an image of something i had experienced before the shutter snapped and thought about the flat corten planet with the bolted graves but couldnt picture the planet the flatness the bolt the graves or the picture and then i tried to evoke an image of my prior existence but couldnt come up with anything and was imageless and thoughtless and motionless and breathless and speechless and egoless and mindless and deathless and hopeless in my state of absolute fear and began to think about what it meant to feel because if there were feelings there must be somebody feeling those feelings about someone or something and i tried to think of someone or something i could feel something about and to imagine love and i spontaneously felt love and to imagine hatred and i spontaneously felt that too so i knew that i could recognize a feeling and in the process of recognition that feeling would be produced and i felt resentment and anxiety and greed and a spectrum of other feelings but i had nobody to love and nobody to fear and nobody to resent and nothing to want and the feelings existed in and of themselves and if i could imagine a lover for my love and an enemy for my hatred and could create an art and world and life then i could build almost anything but i had nothing to grab onto because i was permanently incapable of imagining anything except the feelings i was feeling and yet i had a suspicion that this was merely a spell and since all spells by the nature of myth must come to an end i began to blame the atomic penguin and realized with a jolt that i could bring up the image of the creature in my mind and then i tried to imagine someone or something else but still found that to be impossible and thought that if i were given the gift of being able to imagine this one creature that was the source of my misery then perhaps i could influence my destiny by praying to it as if it were my creator because by creating difficulties in a truly significant sense it had created me and so i said a prayer to the monster who created the spell and had an immediate intuition as to the origin of the cosmos and saw that feelings preceded objects and love preceded reality and that god had created the world in order to exercise his loves and hatreds and suddenly the image came into my mind of schools of fish and i remembered how id been on a beach in miami smoking a psychedelic cigarette and it occurred to me that i was still on a trip and that it had continued all this time and i was suffering the same mental paralysis with my inability to imagine things as i had suffered in terms of tracking fish as they moved through the ocean when i was able to get one step ahead of the situation by surrendering my ability to fantasize and that because my current mindstate was similar to my earlier mindstate then it logically followed that i was being affected by the same force both then and now which was a chemical i had inhaled and i remember the primary tenet of all trippers and dope fiends which is that everything wears off and the primary cure for fear is always patience and that inaction is the most important form of action and this brought me back to thinking about the ball in the hands of the archangel michael and i realized that the meandering bardo was a rat fuck and that the final solution to the problem of deciding whether or not to catch the beach ball was hysterical laughter which was the only human response i never considered when i had the liberty to frame any response i wanted for i understood that at some point and for some reason i had stood before the angel and been ensconced in the eternal predicament of choosing whether to catch something or not but i couldnt remember what decision i had made or even if i had made a decision or why since i was alive i had once been a dead person or moreover how it could have been possible to have returned to earth because returning to earth is not one of the three options of the angelic situation which are to catch the ball and go to heaven or miss the ball and go to hell or do nothing for the rest of eternity and converse with the flaming angel but i saw in any case that hysterical laughter is the primary emotion that governs all emotions and that all emotions and creations spring from hysterical laughter and that if a dead person facing the angel with the ball would only begin to laugh hysterically then there would be nothing that anyone could do and the dead person would be totally in control of his own laughter and nobody could stop him because pain or hurt or threats of any kind or even the brimstone of hades would only cause greater hysteria and more mirth because there is nothing more intimidating than looking deep into the features of someone who is laughing hysterically since this is the most frightening thing imaginable and hysterical laughter is a force of immense power that can shatter anything and then and there i started to laugh hysterically and the laughter caused breath and the breath caused my body to solidify and my body caused a world of stinginess to come into being in which rain would never fall in greater amounts than what was necessary and the sun would never lavish excessive warmth on the planet and nobody who ate would ever feel full and no one would have extra children and for an odd reason this resolidification and rebirth of my body had been fortunate and i was released from my tomb and elevated to a position of extreme importance as the monarch of mentally challenged men who had seceded from the state of alaska and were running a new bachelor country for profit and anyone who came to live with them was forced to pay homage to me and give me all the money i needed for my ever changing wardrobe and the area of the state where this new country was located was tropical and the animal population were mutants and incapable of eating one another and the atmosphere was so benevolent that they all lived in a peaceable kingdom of sanity and gentleness and my realm was surrounded by mountains and was very beautiful and my mentally challenged subjects never swore or told lies and the mountain ranges were magnificent and lofty and the outsiders who came to live among us shed their pompous attitudes and habits as soon as they walked through the pass in the mountains that separated us from the rest of the world and there was an admission gate where immigrants had to make their entry payments and i was in the toll booth with a crown on my head and had donned my robes and was collecting fees and the immigrants would get extremely emotional as they paid me and break into sobs and tears of gladness and i was very cynical and kept the totals of the money i was making in my head as my new subjects passed through the gate and i was fortunate because i had done nothing to earn my position but had been born into purple out of my blank state of frustration and lack of imagination and hysteria in the tombs of the metal desert and not only would i be able to keep the fees without spending a dime because all of my wants and needs were supplied in my kingdom by my mentally challenged subjects free of charge but also i would be able to levy taxes within the kingdom on everybodys labor and ideas and acts of charity and possessions and projects and family heirlooms and even on shoelaces and snippets and no matter what i did with the money i gleaned from my new position nobody would be allowed to say a word against me or stand in my way when i went into neighboring areas to buy the goods and services that werent available in alaska but each of my subjects would immediately upon coming into my presence have to touch their noses to the ground and mumble i love you your majesty with all my heart and soul and while i was raking in the profits in my admissions booth it occurred to me that i could write laws and make people behave in any fashion i wanted no matter how ludicrous the behavior was and so i demanded that everyone be forced to donate half their working hours to the erection of the tallest statue in the history of the world which would portray me crowned in all my glory holding my royal scepter with a benevolent smile on my face and yet there was a faction among my subjects that declined to do this creative work because they were rebels and wanted to build a normal size statue in honor of the achievements of the bachelor leader who had originally founded the paradise kingdom of the mentally challenged and they claimed they had nothing against me personally but since they were rebels they had a spiritual connection that couldnt be broken to the original rebel leader and yet i suspected in the darkness of my heart that they intended to build a statue of a traitor who was rebelling against the status quo and not of the rebel leader of the past and so i informed them that any statutory change to any projected statuary would be heresy and treason and that all statues would be judged by an independent panel of experts feature by feature and aspect by aspect and that if any feature or aspect of any statue were deemed to be the slightest bit different from my feature or aspect as it existed in its current state of glory then the sculptors responsible for the work on said feature or aspect would be expelled from the kingdom forthwith and consequently there was an exodus of citizens as files of men were seen to be halfheartedly heading toward me from the opposite direction as i was collecting money in my toll booth because they had decided to go back to the world rather than submit to the artistic tyranny of a brain dead politician and i was forced to return their fees which made me unhappy because i had neglected through a drafting error in my expulsion edict to explain that anybody leaving the kingdom wasnt entitled to a refund and i began to run out of cash as the sculptor rebels demanded the return of their immigration fees which i had already disbursed on expensive accouterments and i began to insult the citizens and they arrested me and brought me to the central square of the city and tied me to a stake and had agreed at a national bachelor conference on the arts to resort to execution and there was a pile of faggots under my feet and a grand inquisitor wanted me to confess that during the term of my reign i had been taking vitamin supplements but i was stubborn and invoked my royal privileges and refused and he said that i would die the most painful death imaginable because they were going to inject me with rabies virus and when i began to get thirsty they were going to burn me but i would roast very slowly because the logs underneath my feet had been chemically treated to cause the greatest possible amount of pain and if at any time i was willing to admit my errors and freely confess that i had been taking supplements then the process would be stopped and i could resume being king with no hard feelings but because i was stubborn i again refused and a medical team arrived in an ambulance and a doctor in a scrub suit slapped the veins on my arm and stuck in a needle and the feeling of the rabies virus being injected was a main line rush and i began to nod and chase in my brain a continuation of that chain of pleasure that extended from my arm to the deepest center of my head and i was lost within that golden flowing river of warm pressure and could feel the liquid lapping against its shores and the pleasure extended down my back and surrounded my asshole and the anxiety and suspicion i had felt from the beginning of my reign through false pride emptied from my being and i knew i was totally in the wrong and was ready to repent but was too stoned to talk and decided to stay bound against the stake with my head nodding forward and enjoy the pleasure while i could before the rabies virus took over and turned my brain into soup and i passed out and when i awoke there was smoke rising from the area of my feet and a terrible pain was lodged in my skull as if untold frenzied termites were gnawing away at the most sensitive nerves in my brain and foam was pouring out of my mouth and my eyes were paralyzed so that i couldnt blink and were popping out of my head and i could feel the heat licking at my toes and could see beyond the veil of smoke my subjects laughing and enjoying themselves immensely while stuffing their faces at round restaurant tables and i was on a platform as if this were a form of dinner theater which reminded me of a distant event concerning another dinner at another theater and there were waiters and waitresses who once were my sculptors who were collecting tips and trying to do a good job and they were happy to have untaxed money and a fierce pain moved up my calves and i could smell my flesh burning as the foam from my lips dripped into the fire and i cursed the kingdom and all the people in it but the curse unfortunately was sealed in my head because all of my facial features were paralyzed and the veins in my eyes were rupturing and filling my eyeballs with hot blood and i reviewed my options as i stood there tied to the stake and realized that i would have to surrender to the prevailing circumstances and since the fire was certain to purge me of disease i would finally be cleansed and change into intertwining trails of smoke and not into ashes that were falling into the logs because the ashes would be flesh and bones and the smoke would be my pure aristocratic spirit rising into the crystalline air of alaska and i realized with horror as the flames moved up towards my waist that i would be inhaled by the food slurping proletarians in the dinner theater and that my spirit would move into their lungs and be lodged inside my tormentors and their very acts of respiration would be a form of spirit attachment and that my noble spirit would blend into the debased spirits of the mentally challenged people who were watching me in the theater and become part and parcel of hundreds of burping and slobbering bachelor subjects and yet i comforted myself because i knew that a portion of me would ascend into the clouds and vibrate miles and miles above the earth and move across the face of the land into canada and over the yukon and baffin island and up into the frozen wastes of the arctic where there was a cold kingdom at the top of the world where i would feel no heat as the flames moved up to my chest and the foam in my mouth turned black and continued to flow down my chin and i could hear the saliva from my mouth sizzle and sputter in the fire and blisters began to form on my cheeks and my eyelashes were kindled and steam erupted from the pores of my neck and i knew that my stomach was beginning to decompose and my only solace was to concentrate on feelings of triumph and liberation because i knew that what was happening to me was simply the result of poor decision making and that i was only changing form and this was a rite of passage or process of transition or opportunity for growth depending upon ones point of view and yet my resentment against the people who were swilling food and socializing continued to build and it bothered me that they didnt seem to care about my welfare after all that i had done for them as king by providing them with a joyous and serene working and recreational environment in spite of their mental disabilities and i could see them through the flames laughing and thoroughly enjoying their bachelorhood and their partying and some were tossing toothpicks at me and my resentment was an additional flame in my breast but i couldnt afford to die while feeling resentful because i knew from the lore of the kingdom that the emotions one feels at the moment of death affect the future welfare of the soul and i had to turn myself around and assume an attitude of forgiveness and composure but it was hard to maintain that sort of detachment given the predicament i was in and i wondered what the release of the soul would feel like and if i would slip into oblivion as the flames were rising because if i slipped into oblivion then the game would be over and yet i didnt want to be reborn on earth because the best i could hope for would be the situation which had led me to the stake and immolation in the first place and the agony i was currently experiencing had resulted from my once having had the best possible occupation on the planet which was the job of being the absolute master of a bachelor paradise and meanwhile the flames were up to my shoulders and most of my body had been destroyed and i was suffering mightily from the rabies virus which because of the heat had increased its activities and was gnawing away at the innards of my head and yet i was alive and thinking that i was still a child of god and that there must be something to be grateful for even in this difficult situation and although my face was paralyzed and most of my body was gone i was amazed that i was able to process information and wondered what was going to happen when the flames rose above my ears and i wouldnt be able to see or hear and my brain would melt and my hair would explode in flames and this was a matter of curiosity which in and of itself was a source of enjoyment and caused me to feel immense gratitude since i was enjoying the process of speculation in spite of the agonies of the stake and was appreciating learning and revering education and wanting to become a more dignified and ennobled human being and i wondered if this incorporeal thing that yearned for data was my soul so that ones spirit wandered from lesson to lesson and life to life acquiring information but it also occurred to me that information from previous lessons and lives would be useless because the actual circumstances of each successive life would be radically different and that rebirth was a process of acquiring useless or more precisely disposable information and one could be the wisest of the wise in one life but in the next would become the dumbest of the dumb so that exercising my speculative faculties was a futile and foolish endeavor even though it was giving me such satisfaction in my final moments but my thoughts were suddenly interrupted as my eyes went dark and i realized that i was about to become a royal martyr or even a saint because i had refused in spite of all entreaties to admit that i took vitamin supplements and preferred to die rather than cave in on a matter of principle and as the heat slammed into my ears i stopped hearing and with relief foresaw that i would probably receive a better statue than what i had originally anticipated because it wouldnt be a statue to a king but to a saint and instead of a crown and scepter there would be a halo and wand and my image would be placed in churches or nutrition centers and be worshiped in the alaskan paradise because i never flinched and the barbarians who clamored for my death and were laughing at me while they picked their teeth at the dinner theater would one day be sorry and be recognized for the fun loving sadistic mentally challenged bachelor slobs that they were and a flame started growing and glowing in the center of my head and i could hear the rabid termites crinkling in the firestorm as the pain of constant gnawing vanished from my brain and i was able to concentrate on the raging wall of flame which was originally surrounded by gray matter but now was a mass of orange identical to the solid orange in which i was immersed at the bridge party when i was licking the breast of the woman who was leaning over my shoulder and could feel the stinging dribbles of juice in my eyes and it isnt true that those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it but rather the opposite is true which is that those who concentrate with all their energies on a particular moment of personal history are doomed to relive their lives from that precise moment through to the present as a consequence of which i would be forced to relive the anguish and anxiety of my multiple transformations from the time i was licking the orange carrot encrusted breast of the woman who was leaning over my shoulder at the bridge party until i found myself to be the center of attention at this bachelor dinner party in alaska and an incredible weariness descended on my spirit as the flames engulfed the remaining portions of my brain and i wanted to be relieved of the incessant onslaught of superficial images that had dominated my consciousness from god knows when because the ramifications of thought are truly infinite which means that every possible thought has at one time or another been thought which also means that there is no such thing as a new thought which means again that one is always thinking a thought that has been thought by someone before or will be thought by someone in the future which means once more that one is continually jumping through time and at one moment is here and the next moment is five million years ahead and the moment after that is five billion years behind so that when we think that our lives are part of a continuum it really isnt so and we brush against the eternal web of infinite thought for the briefest possible moment and when we touch this web a spark of individual photonic energy ignites and forms an integral moment and we burp out an integral thought and the next moment we are brushing against the web at a different space time coordinate point and burping an entirely different thought into an entirely different world with an entirely different brain and consequently we are an infinite number of people in an infinite number of places at an infinite number of times rattling out an infinite number of thoughts and as such are the one and the many and the individual and the infinite and the ego trapped in time and the timeless infinite egoless liberated spirit who is every possible being in every possible place and time and thinking and doing each and every thing that it is possible to think and do because the metaphysical truth of all existent beings is that to be one being who thinks one thought is to be every being who thinks every thought but that is not as much as to say that to be every being means that one is god because the thinking being does not create the infinite web of thought but rather is the web of thought itself and yet who creates or created the thought web or whether the web creates or created itself is a metaphysical notion that i didnt have time to ponder given my circumstances at the stake and as i was about to submerge completely in the flames i knew that i was in nothing more nor less than an ordinary situation because every moment is a moment that precedes death given that the precise definition of death is a change in identity and considering also the inescapable fact that our identities change each time we access another instant in the web of infinite thought patterns and so i began to realize that a frozen moment was a victimized bug that was caught in a delusional web which was very different from the web of freedom and infinite thought processes associated with my enlightened thinking at the stake and that our delusions of ego and survivability and all the other delusions of self centeredness for that matter are nothing but the paralyzed and hopeless premonitions of death that an insect feels as it sees a spider moving like a machine of destruction across a web to suck the vital throbbing juices out of its stupefied flesh and it didnt matter that the last living bit of my own flesh was about to be consumed in the firestorm spawned by the grand inquisitor of the bachelors because i would be packing my bags in any case and leaving well before that final brain cell popped and would be on to a new job and occupation in some other skull and situation and felt an incredible lightness of being because of my newfound knowledge and understood what it must be like to be a mayfly rising from the intricate surface of a river for its momentary dance of glory in the sun as the raging fire consumed my final cell and then i saw a tunnel of brightness opening before me and voices were calling from the right and left and above and below and i could feel myself shooting out some dark channel into an all powerful and embracing and all welcoming divine light and was ecstatic and grateful and prepared myself with blissful anticipation to tumble into the lap of my creator because i knew that my metaphysical vision couldnt be explained as a biochemical reaction in a dying brain since my brain had already been burnt to a crisp by the alaskan wall of fire and yet i jumped to an impetuous and unfortunate conclusion about the nature of life after death in assuming that i was rocketing toward heaven as a result of the spotlessness of my behavior as the saintly king of paradise because i had indeed been transformed and etherealized but it wasnt in the way i had hoped and the dark channel hadnt been a spiritual ladder to everlasting salvation nor an escape from the infinite web of previous reality but a paternal urethra leading into another sorry morass of pitiful existence and i had been blown out a set of anonymous gonads and my faceless head was plowing through cum and it wasnt because i was motorized but there was something that made me wiggle and nobody else had heads or features either but i saw that they were carrying heads and features or at least half a head and half a feature within their trembling cavities and how i got into this position of resperming which is a much more radical form of retrogression than rebirthing ill never know but as i continued to exert my masculinity i recognized that id wind up in a toilet or tampon in no time and looking quickly to the side i saw herds of tadpoles huffing through the white goo that i originally thought was heavenly light and it occurred to me that anything could happen but chances were that nothing would and that i was jerking myself off in the literal sense of the word and that if there were no sperms there could be no pricks which created a conundrum in my brainless brain and i began to think of what an absurd organ a drooping channel of flesh is that dangles between the legs of half the humans on the planet and could see a mammoth egg with a surface like a golf ball whose talking navel was the only point of entry and wondered what the source of this specific knowledge was because i could understand swimming upstream as part of a herd mentality but the intuition that i had to enter through a talking navel in a golf ball is a different kind of thing entirely which means that instinct or knowledge is present in an incomplete piece of throbbing shit like a sperm and as i swam closer a halo appeared around my faceless head and i was anointed and could hear faint choirs humming through the innards of the goo and the geodesic surface of the ball began to pulse and the choirs became jubilant as my halo streamed around my magnetized bulb of a head that was being tugged by the female egg force and i realized that i had been selected and in moments i knew that my spermlike essence would meld along its chainlike being with the seductive female wiles and inner links of the golf ball and be transformed at every point of contact and my body alerted the egg to open its force field for me and i was sucked toward the talking navel and although i had just been part of a larger orgasm i felt a smaller one building inside me and this intimate pleasure was blasting through my body which no longer wriggled but was hardened and drawn out along the gravitational force fields of the egg and extruded through the sexual latitudes at the depths of being and i plunged through the oval lips of the talking navel which were frantically murmuring soft and passionate words of love and burst and came in an incredible rapture of orgasmic shuddering which was followed by a flowing glistening overall sense of peace as if i were spreading through a lake and could feel distant lappings at my edges and tiny objects were swimming through me like fish and a brown benevolent heat was trailing along the lake and toasting the sparkling chromosomal tides of the egg surfaces and voices were calling other voices and there was no power that could control the insanity of this vocal production and then there were two of me and i had to abandon the notion that i was one thing and what was worse i had to abandon any notion of a one thing history so that the faceless head with the tail that had been wiggling toward where i now was was not what i had once been because i couldnt tell which of the two of me was the original swimmer but the argument was beside the point because all of my energy was being devoted to creating splits in the nature of selfhood and it was strange that i still retained one voice that was king shit while all the other chattering vocables of my multiplying cells were cooperating and i panicked since i couldnt figure out how i was thinking because now that i was a being that would eventually develop a brain i saw that my thinking was preceding its source which meant that effect was preceding cause which was a contradiction of the tenets of western philosophy and it was certainly possible that once i developed a brain i would have an explanation for how a brainless being had obtained thought but until i developed a means to think about how i was thinking id try to focus on the storm that was raging around the egg where lightning shot through clouds of raining fluids in hot prongs of language and i didnt know whether to be terrified or not but it didnt matter because a primal energy was making me divide no matter what i did and i was destined to become a massive clumping of cells and saw a mist of microscopic insects gliding through a patch of slanting autumn sun and oak leaves were peeling away and whirling through shifting cubes of brightness inhabited by these gnatlike creatures who were basking in the dancing patches of froth that flowed below the banners of failing light in the trees and where this image came from i didnt know because i was still within the clouded boundaries of the egg which had begun to move or rather i had begun to move because i was reconciled to being egglike and was heading for the maternity of the womb but the image of floating gnats in an oak grove had had to come from somewhere since i hadnt yet experienced the gestalt of a gnatlike experience and i thought that perhaps the male who had created me and as a result had become my dad was standing at that very moment in a forest and had forged a telepathic connection that would eventually degenerate into a father child relationship or that this isolated image of insects shimmering in the sanctity of the woods was in some mysterious way not an image but a symbol of some natural or psychic force that moved in a matrix within me just as i was being moved by a power not my own nor my mothers toward the profundity of the womb and i was actually smaller than a gnat but in my pinheaded head the gnats seemed smaller than me and then i comprehended the ultimate truth of all reality and the supreme wisdom and ultimate principle that governs the universe and all its creations and that once understood can be utilized to explain every aspect of the myriad phenomena and to answer every koan and solve every problem and banish every doubt and erase every intellectual care and that supreme wisdom and ultimate principle of the universe is that nothing makes any sense but that nothing ever has to and i wanted to hold on to this important thought but couldnt and was wearied by my activity and had strange cramps although i had no organs and felt anguish and frustration and a maddening thirst for truth and wanted to be young again although i was only a few minutes old and didnt know how i could face the rest of my life and wanted it all to end before it began and truly believed that the millions of fellow sperm who were nowhere to be seen and were drifting and dying in another area of my mothers body where there was a conclusion to work and sorrow were luckier than i was and yet my desires for extinction were a passing fancy because my brain had started to develop and because it is a scientific fact that the brain has an inherent need and vested interest in its own survival therefore my yearning to die vanished without a trace and i was forced by my head to be in love with life and my brain cells began to contrive to make me forget everything up to the present point which i did because nobody ever remembers what i had just forgotten and i knew i would have to go through many layers of forgetfulness before i was born because the principal job of the brain is to figure out how not to know but i forgot what i was thinking before i finished my train of thought about the nature of forgetfulness and was nestled against a wall of nutrients and started for the first time to feed which was a drag because i now felt hunger for food which automatically decreased my thirst for knowledge and i saw that my brain was telling everyone else what to do for its own ridiculous benefit and that i would always hate telecommunications because it was just a means of brains using nonbrains to talk to brains as opposed to systems of excretion where stomachs use nonstomachs to communicate with stomachs and a thin thread formed between me and the puffy wall which was a link in the chain of the stomach system i had been using my brain system to think about and miraculously i had my first taste of blood and was awash in a life deadening dependency which my brain called love but i called slavery and although i no longer understood what i was thinking or feeling or why i was dependent on eating because of the brain poisoning i knew that the crap that would begin to form in my new intestinal system was what i had to look forward to for the rest of my life and i couldnt stop my brain from driving excessive thoughts through my head which was actually starting to form into a headlike structure and i felt the need to sleep and the next thing i knew i was bigger and then asleep and then bigger and then asleep and then bigger again and then asleep again and this cycle kept repeating itself month after month and for a while i thought i was a chicken or a rodent or a fish or a brute until i finally assumed the lineaments of a man and realized that a wingwang was beginning to dangle between my legs so that one day i would eject what i had been into something similar to what i had entered in order to become what i had already become and i wondered what was the use of living through another dreary cycle because there are many forms of creation besides ejaculation which are equally futile and the better one is at creating things the more isolated and useless one becomes and one of the iron laws of humanity is that almost all great artists die unknown and almost all great lovers die unloved and almost all great healers die of the illness of trying to heal humanity and that public success from time immemorial has always been based on luck and a vaunted mediocrity and the most common trait of those who garner fame is viciousness and i wondered if there were any value at all in a humble life above the fray and convinced myself that the best way to experience humility was to break down the power structures in my brain and so i began to meditate in order to home in on the primary source of brain structure and i perceived that the fountainhead of mental power wasnt far away since i hadnt been born yet and there were only a few barriers that had been erected by my developing cerebrum to shield me from the blinding truth of my own creation but the notion of humility suddenly bored me because my brain had decided to fight my resolution to make changes in its power structure by releasing defensive hormones that created ennui and depression and i became distracted and listless and couldnt focus my meditative energies but fortunately i was resourceful enough to summon into my service the biological energy that had created my brain in the first place and was able to coopt the energies that my brain was using to coopt me and by meditating on a deep biological level i was able to regulate my biorhythms which allowed me to reduce the rate of brain cell multiplication and so my brain was forced to surrender in order to continue growing and had to comply with my humble wishes and i forced it to remove the barriers of forgetfulness and was finally able to think in a nonstructured way and view in retrospect the moment i was converted into a sperm which was the moment after the moment i was tied to the stake in the paradise of the bachelors while having my final brain cell fried by the wall of flames that had been ignited by the inquisitor who had been hired by the rebels who had refused to construct my statue in the kingdom i inherited after being trapped in the metal desert before i exploded as a result of the trap set by the government in order to maim the wolfchasers who had bivouacked outside the cabin into which i wandered after my brain sector operation and because of this second elimination of brain structure i could now examine my prior life and my life before that life and my lives before the life that preceded my present life when once upon a time i had been fixing in my kitchen which made me see bloody dots floating through the rooms of my office building prior to being jabbed in the rectum by a nude woman before going to a dinner party and winding up being attacked by a toy duck which resembled a machine on a cruise ship with metal jaws that forced me to escape into a raft that tumbled over a falls after which i wound up licking an orange breast at a bridge party in anticipation of my conversation with a monkey whose evil wishes landed me in my own coffin where i traveled around a cemetery in order to have the opportunity of flirting with mermaids whose wiles got me magnetized and flying across the countryside toward a rickety house where i conversed with a forgetful horse and then journeyed to saigon in time to observe a fascinating parade and subsequently flew my helicopter to miami and smoked psychedelics which caused me to need the aforementioned brain operation conducted by the jam eating reverts and this anterior life was viewed by me with redoubled abilities and renewed ease and i realized that there was no flip side to existence because one reality was pretty much like any other whether on earth or in heaven or in hell and regardless of what one did or where one was one was still doing something somewhere sometime and the something one was doing had a beginning and a middle and an end and the end of one thing was the beginning of another and the underlying substance of all possible experiences was unbelievably boring because one was always assured of something else happening that was just as meaningful or meaningless as the thing that had just occurred and no matter what mental act was inspired by the events in question that mental act would be followed by another and no matter what word or figment of language was generated by the mental act there would always be another word or figment that would follow the first figment or word as night follows day and i saw that there was only one reasonable escape from this endless trail of sickness and sick language and that was the creation of a language of nonexistence so that i had to figure out a way of creating a situation where i was no longer connected to my own language and then i could be said truly not to exist and would be free and so i began to meditate on this paradox which was like the sound of one hand clapping and went into a trance and even though i was developing and changing in the external world of my prenatal reality and even though i was born during this period of trancelike concentration i steeled myself against incorporating the birth sensations into my meditation practice because to do so would have meant acknowledging the existence of existence but instead i continued to focus on the creation of a language of nonexistence and it was only at the moment when i was lying in my incubator that i gained an explosive insight into the hopelessness of philosophy and came to understand the existential truth of the language of nonexistence which is that it doesnt and never has existed which is what makes it what it isnt and what it never was and what it never will be and i felt completely helpless because i was a newborn blob in an incubator and the feeling of frustration and failure was ripping me apart as i lay there cooing and drooling and absorbing the full implications of endless boredom within the existing parameters of an existing language and i saw that there was only one way out of my predicament which was to restore the missing power structure to my brain so that i would once again be ignorant and attach significance to my measly life and have beastly desires and be ravaged by commonplace fears and so i made my unholy bargain with the truth and was transported to a stadium where fans were doing the wave and i was the chief referee for a grand sporting event and had written the rule book that governed everybodys behavior during the contest and the game was democratic and based on a theory of voting and each member of the two teams had a single vote and could choose which player on the opposing team should be the designated the official ball carrier and the individual receiving the most votes was required to run a gauntlet through the fifty members of the rival squad all of whom were equipped with referee approved and league sanctioned razor sharp knives and the idea of the game was to see how far down the narrow corridor of stabbing and slashing competitors the official ball carrier could get before collapsing and dying in a heap of guts and there was no question of surviving but only of gaining the maximum number of yards before being carted away to a mortuary behind the stadium and each team always had fifty members because after the death of a player the population on one side of the stadium would vote for one of their own to be sent onto the field to replenish their team and this was considered a great honor and after the death of an opposing player the fans for the other team would vote for their candidate and after a ball carrier was removed from the stadium the box office would sell a single admission ticket for an exorbitant price so that there was always the exact same number of spectators and players and the democratic game went on without let up year after year and huge amounts were spent on promotion and nobody on the outside realized what was going on on the inside since all that could be heard were perpetual cheering and the hubbub of the fans and each individual on entering the stadium and receiving an identification number and hearing the gate clang shut might wonder if he had made an error and it would dawn on him after years or decades that he was bound to wind up on the field and might be stabbed and slashed to death since to garner the honor of descending to the playing field as a substitute was akin to winning the lotto of self destruction and yet the promotion of each fan to the rank of player was greeted with mass applause although from time to time an errant individualist would raise his voice in stormy protest but whenever that happened then certain perverse and resentful counterespionage fans who were in the pay of the promoters would vote for the beleaguered protester so that he would leap to the front of the balloting and wind up joining one of the teams where invariably for some inexplicable reason he would become the first player to run the murderous gauntlet and so everyone was held in line and the game proceeded according to my rules which was gratifying because i had been hired by unnamed financial interests to invent not just the rulebook but the game itself and i even orchestrated the cheers of the cheerleaders and once the game had been invented there was no stopping anything and given that a reasonable number of lucky players were never singled out to run the gauntlet through the course of fifty ballots they were thereupon allowed to leave the stadium and the crowd would accompany their exits with exuberant grunts and hosannas and a secret hope was kindled in the breasts of the delirious fans that it was possible to win the democratic game of survival by maintaining an impeccable invisibility which was the unspoken subtext of the entertainment phenomenon and the spectators in the stands began to practice conformity in preparation for their elevation to the status of players so that they would run the best possible chance of getting out of the stadium in one piece and it was because of this necessity of remaining virtually unnoticeable that the game progressed as smoothly as it did but the truth was much more gruesome than the reality known to the spectators because the game didnt allow for the liberation of survivors and provision had been made for the immediate exile of those who had beaten the odds and the surviving team players on exiting the stadium were immediately arrested and taken to a kangaroo court where they were convicted of precisely fifty murders which it was not difficult to prove since they had been allowed to keep their official blood coated razor sharp league sanctioned knives as mementos and these mementos were used as evidence against them and the hapless team members were flown to a clearing in a rain forest of a central american country called stabonia and each survivor was branded on his forehead with the identification number he had received when he first entered the stadium and was handed back his knife and dropped into the clearing which was many miles in diameter and there were stabonian farm implements for each of the sports team survivors although the agricultural situation was terrible because the topsoil of a cleared rain forest is notoriously thin and what with the heat and yellow fever mosquitoes and the fact that there was no law enforcement most of the sports team survivors expired quickly as a result of inanition or disease or stabbing by the more hardened survivors of previous contests because the commonwealth of stabonia was founded on the principals of a grim natural selection and if a sports team member were to venture outside the compound he was immediately gunned down by right wing guerrilla insurgents who were in the pay of the sports team promoters but as the chief referee i was the only one who was aware that the only way out of the stadium was to live with a branded forehead in a steamy jungle clearing by stabbing to death anybody who challenged ones ability to collect vegetables and this was the logical outcome of the democratic sporting contest and it was possible for me to change the rules of the contest at any time because the owners of the sporting teams trusted me implicitly and had made considerable fortunes by allowing me to construct the rules according to my own wishes and certain gifted tabloid spin doctors had been hired to advance the reputations of members on the playing field who were especially proficient in staying alive but as soon as the journalists would hype a particular individual for having avoided being chosen that individual would almost immediately be picked out of spite so that publicity was equated with instant death and after a few years of officiating i realized that nobody ever went to the bathroom or required food or sleep and it surprised me that i hadnt realized before that i must have been operating on the basis of metaphor and that the situation i had created was a lame conceit for crowd control or contemporary totalitarianism under the guise of freedom or human evil or the brute power of the group to root out any form of human excellence or individualism but the bottom line was that the corporate sponsors and owners and landlords who rented out the stadium and journalists and trainers and coaches were satisfied with my stupendous achievement and the bloodshed seemed beside the point because when somebody died the fans would reinterpret the tragedy in personal terms by commenting that that particular individual didnt have what it took or his legs were too short or he didnt deserve to be so popular in the first place and yet there were a number of occasions when individual players refused to play the game and would not hold on to the ball but would drop it and try to run out of the stadium and such despicable behavior would send the crowd into a frenzy and these ignominious cowards were forced to be groundskeepers and clean up bodies and remove the blood from the artificial turf with special detergents that had been developed by chemical firms that formed part of the owner combine and eventually i acquired enough money to buy a cottage in the country and live out the rest of my life in superannuated quiet and was given a commemorative plaque that was autographed by all the managers who had told me what to do and i hung it over my mantel and in my more devout moments expressed my gratitude for having been given the ability to live a productive life as part of a larger society and one night i fell asleep by the fire and found myself locked in a cell block and there was one prisoner per cell but the cells werent actually cells but more like honeycombs and the prisoners werent actually prisoners but more like bees who for all practical purposes were identical to one another in looks and behavior and the guards were identical to the prisoners although their features seemed slightly more malicious and less developed and i would constantly check my body because i was terrified that i would change until i was indistinguishable from everyone else and one day i saw that the unforeseen had happened and all of the prisoners were uniformly and slowly changing into me and this was disturbing although i couldnt decide why because it wasnt my problem if others wanted to imitate me and i saw that all of the prisoners were staring at me fixedly without blinking and that by looking at me they were able to absorb my identity and so i started staring back but realized that to do so would risk my changing into them by the same natural laws that allowed them to change into me so that in either case the same result would occur and yet there was another possible explanation for this phenomenon of change which was that i was changing into them but that at the same time that my identity was changing my knowledge of what my identity was was changing as well so that i was under the illusion that the prisoners were changing into me but in truth i was changing into them while thinking that they were the ones who were changing and consequently i pretended that none of them existed and one day the doors of the cells slid open and we were forced to march single file to the main yard where a plank extended over a huge cauldron of scalding red hot chili oil and one by one the criminals jumped into the vat and boiled themselves to death and all of the prisoners seemed resigned to their fate as if they were identical soup ingredients and soon it was my turn to walk onto the plank and i realized with a sigh of relief that the reason everybody had worked so hard to become like me was to aid me through the trepidation of this dive because i could take solace that others just like me had gone before me and others just like me would follow in my footsteps and so i jumped into the seething mass of peppery bubbles and saw insulated fish swimming through the parboiled dumplings of the bodies of the convicts and awoke in front of my fireplace with a much better feeling about the brotherhood of humanity and rubbed my eyes and yawned and on the table next to my adjustable chair was a deed of purchase for an ancient tree i had bought which aside from having curative powers if one chewed the leaves was an aesthetically perfect specimen and although i didnt own any of the land surrounding the tree yet i had obtained an easement from neighboring property holders which allowed me constant access and i was proud of having obtained the right to call this tree my own and read my ownership document with satisfaction but suffered a severe shock when i discovered in the small print that my right of easement was only a right of standing easement and not a right of sitting easement and that the lawyers who drafted the document had overlooked the fact that i needed sitting rights because i intended to hire a security firm to guard my property in order to make certain that nobody poached a seed or graft or leaf or scarred or even touched my tree with their fingers without permission but all of the security firms within an acceptable radius had been forced through political chicanery and raw economic coercion to hire union labor and their contracts were uniform in requiring that each of the guards have a place to sit for at least fifty minutes every hour and there was no way i could trust an unbonded watchman to look after my interests and i didnt want to have to go back to the surrounding land owners because to do so would have involved financial ruin since they had formed a cabal that owned all the property extending out for miles from the trunk of my tree and on the other hand it would have cost a small fortune to bribe the security firms into evading union rules because if they were caught they would suffer a work stoppage or incur prohibitive penalties from safety bureaucrats and i was between a rock and a hard place and realized i had purchased a white deciduous elephant because if i couldnt guard the tree then for all intents and purposes the tree would become public property and my right would be valueless and when i thought of the acres of rain forest that had to be cleared in stabonia in order for me to earn my tiny percentage commission on the entertainment deaths of all the sports team players which allowed me to buy my single tree i became infuriated and was having trouble enjoying my cottage and even more trouble sleeping because i was obsessed and was forced to devise a long term strategy while i sat by the fire burning my logs and although the tree was a practical investment only in cases where one was bitten by a black widow spider because the leaves of the tree were a natural antidote for this particular type of infection yet there wasnt anything else that would possibly motivate your average john doe to lay out a considerable sum of money to replace me as tree owner and the tree couldnt be syndicated or franchised or leased or funded or leveraged or optioned or hypothecated or condoed or bartered or mortgaged or amortized or incorporated or subordinated or liquidated or litigated or downstreamed or upstreamed or sidestreamed and it couldnt be monopolized or promoted or produced and directed or commercialized or marked up or down because it was nothing but what it essentially was and my ownership was a polite fiction created by an institution of government which in itself was a polite fiction and although the tree was an overpowering work of divine beauty that had been worshiped by sophisticated gardeners for many generations i was forced to cut my losses and chop it down because an analysis done by a reputable accounting firm had demonstrated that its removal was the best economic option and i could get two cents on the dollar which was better than nothing at all and i owned my cottage debt free and had been prudent enough to purchase an annuity which would support me comfortably for the rest of my life and so i signed a contract for its removal and sale and carried the contract to my local banker who sold the instrument to a factor and yet i was concerned when i considered that economic security hadnt provided me with any peace of mind because there was something inherent in money that when applied to the human condition produced ruthlessness and it occurred to me that cash accomplishment was a poor substitute for real accomplishment garnered through increased knowledge and maturity and that generosity and gratitude and an overall openhandedness would prove to be a more satisfying foundation for what little life i had before me than the ravenous pursuit of wealth and yet i saw that the exasperating problem with learning to be generous was that it required emotional growth and that most people were nailed into their attitudes and that society was moving in the wrong direction because stupid people were having all the children and smart people were becoming increasingly impotent so that year after year the average human was becoming less and less capable of understanding not only that he could change but that he should change and peoples foreheads were getting lower and lower and their eyes were turning glassier and glassier and therefore moral improvement was becoming a practical impossibility because the planet was uniformly inhabited by degenerate morons and yet god hadnt granted me the power to change others but only the power to generate the inner spiritual changes that were necessary to my own salvation and just as my tree had fallen in the forest and nobody had known except for a few distraught and unimportant gardeners who were trespassers in any case so my moral improvement would go unnoticed by the surrounding world but would still be important to the only person who really counted who was me and i decided to take an inventory of my faults and spent a number of hours in contemplation while attempting to determine the nature of my transgressions and was able to conclude that there were a number of people that i had hurt in minor ways but the damage had occurred when i was an idle youth and resulted from benign neglect or adolescent rashness and that by the time i had reached my majority id developed a firm ethical sense that had guided me through my halcyon years as chief referee and yet i couldnt help envying the nameless tycoons who paid me my pittance and underneath it all i seethed with bitterness because id been treated as a mere employee rather than as a fountainhead of wisdom and without my ideas there would have been no game and consequently no profits and i thought of the spouses and children of the unnamed investors who never would have to lift a finger to invent or do anything and would spend their lives in domiciles much more opulent than my humble cottage and everybody would flatter these simpering leeches because they were wealthy even though their good fortune would be based entirely on my hard work and brainpower and it bothered me that life was unfair and that handsome guys could ball the beautiful gals and wealthy snobs could order people around without thinking twice about the welfare of others including myself and i tried to imagine a better world where such behavior was not permitted and was transported in my minds eye to a standard world where everyone was dressed in standard clothing and ate standard food and lived in standard housing and had standard attributes and standard personalities and standard bankrolls and standard cars and standard clothing and was entertained in standard ways and this place was not much different from the prison which i had been in when i fell asleep in front of the fire in my cottage nor was there any significant difference between this standard society and the society in which i was raised since a standard language had been developed in my youth which could only express the most standard thoughts and feelings and this change in language was a form of mind control in which all good things were bargains and all lifes higher meanings were created by low lifes in corporate offices and the standard community in which everyone was standard was the standard way of manipulating the world for fun and profit and my worldwide fame as a result of the democratic game i had created meant that i had become standard enough to achieve standard notoriety and underneath it all i remained a boring old man in an adjustable chair with nary an interesting thought in my standard head and i felt an overwhelming desire to bust out of my mold and do something daring and quintessentially human before i cashed in my chips and made contacts through managers who reported to the promoters who reported to the senior vice presidents who reported to the directors who reported to the owners of the investor syndicate who managed the subsidiaries that sold concessions that had been endorsed by defunct members of the sports teams and these managers arranged through connections they had forged with japanese portfolio administrators of saudi conglomerates whose shares were held by bolivian generals residing in a guarded compound of a sweltering west african metropolis for me to become a recreational therapist for a safari searching out rare metals in the swamps of gabon and before joining the expedition i needed to be refurbished and was referred to a gerontologist in california who had patented a form of herbal surgery which removed tired cells from the body and after a rigorous course of acupuncture and mudbaths i was given a complete makeover by an assistant to the herbal surgeon and on arriving in africa was placed in one of the executive jeeps and the swamps were fens of quicksand and on descending from the jeep into the sands i was sucked down so quickly that at one moment i was opening my eyes into a brand new herbalist state of utter rejuvenation and the next moment my eyes were sinking below the liquid sands of gabon and my pith helmet was hovering on top of my descending body but i remained elated because i knew i would be fossilized and spend hundreds of millions of years without pain but error as a rule is intrinsic to speculative thought processes and as my body descended and the pressure of the mud increased i was frozen in the inner space of the quicksand and began to harden and although a situation couldnt have been created with fewer options yet my predicament had resulted directly from my desire to blow it all out and the irony of my situation as i sank into the terrestrial gabonese deprivation chamber was no different from the irony of any other situation and the only escape from the consequences of my physical immobilization was through humor which is a form of religious faith because the essential aspects of human life meet at the tangible surfaces of self deprecation and the grandeur of the sun is a cosmic joke especially as viewed from the gummy interior of an african mud puddle and it is impossible to be meaningful without making fun of oneself since its like the heisenberg uncertainty principle where velocity is meaning and position is humor and if one is purely humorous then life has no meaning and if one is purely meaningful than life has no humor and yet humor and meaning are always there and i concluded as my body continued to change into pavement that nothing should be taken seriously and i continued to sink into the quicksand and the pressure was enormous and i felt a strange sensation as if somebody had turned a hose on my feet and the hose began to move up my legs and then to my waist and the lower half of my body was rinsed in a gush of water and suddenly i popped loose of the muck and fell into an underground sewage system that carried the wastes of gabonese mining interests towards the sea and there were fish with sharp teeth and antennae that looked like chinese lanterns living in the industrial sewage network and as i plunged through the waste disposal channels that ran below the steaming jungle the fish congregated in larger and larger numbers and looked at me quizzically and i realized with dismay that these were gabonese lantern piranhas and their shifty eyes were glowing with hunger and every once in a while a freestanding gob of rancid flesh came tumbling through the brown liquid and the piranhas turned their attention toward the loose meat and within seconds gobbled it up and i couldnt figure out why they didnt do the same with me and realized that it must have had to do with my herbally rejuvenated flesh which wasnt rancid enough to interest the fish and we were flushed into a harbor of hot salty water and the fish swam off and i came up for air and made my way in a leisurely manner toward a ladder that extended over the edge of a pier and climbed up and found myself in an amusement park and had to stand in long lines and was disgruntled because it turned out that the lines themselves were the rides and when i got to the end of a line i had to pay for the fun i had enjoyed while waiting and the lines had names like rollerball and tiltawhirl and scrambler and why anybody would pay for the pleasure of being denied pleasure made absolutely no sense and i was waiting in a line called rocket to the future and noticed with surprise that others in the line were sharing an experience that i wasnt a part of and they would gasp and shriek at the same moment and a fat woman in front of me put her hands over her eyes and said oh no not again and people were commenting appreciatively as they paid at the front of the line that this particular line was the best ride ever and there was a man behind me who was seven feet tall and i pulled him aside and asked him why people had been gasping and screaming in unison and he explained that there were stimulators planted in the lines by the gabonese amusement park managers who were paid to gasp and that everyone else would gasp at the same time because nobody wanted to confess they werent having any fun and i asked how he knew that people were planted in the lines and he confessed that he was a stimulator himself and by the looks of me i would make a good apprentice and he took me to the ride employment office and i noticed that all the employees were at least seven feet tall and i was given a job application which asked for my first name middle initial and last name and my height and arm length and those were the only blanks on the form and i realized that the man behind me in line had singled me out as a possible stimulator because i had become over seven feet tall as a result of the softening caused by my herbalsuction treatments followed by temporary fossilization under extreme quicksand conditions which had pinched me and transformed my emolliated body and extended it in new directions and i was ushered into the personnel managers suite of lavish offices which contained oversize furniture and was seated in a mammoth chair and offered a gigantic glass of green liqueur and saw a beach ball on a chain hanging from the ceiling in the center of the office and the ceiling was thirty feet high and after i had quaffed my drink and engaged in a few minutes of mindless chitchat the personnel manager said it was time for the job interview and he went over to the wall and flicked a switch which lowered the ball so that it was twelve feet off the ground and he said to me do you think you can swat this ball if you try and a shiver ran up my spine because i had heard something similar in the past but i said sure and prepared myself and jumped up and swatted the ball easily and he said good we can offer you a job at fifty thousand dollars a week or i can raise the beach ball a foot higher and you can try to achieve a higher level of compensation which is offered to candidates with extraordinary abilities and i asked what would happen if i missed the ball at the higher level and he said it wasnt a big deal and did i think i could swat the ball if i tried and i said sure id have a go and he raised the ball and i prepared myself and jumped up and swatted the ball easily and he said he could now offer me a job at a hundred thousand dollars a week and i was delighted because in my wildest dreams while sitting in my adjustable chair in front of the roaring fire in my cottage and feeling sorry for myself i had no idea that my safari would lead to such awesome job opportunities and i said how much id love to be employed as a stimulator and he said not so fast did i think i could swat the ball if it were raised another foot or even two feet to say sixteen feet and the liqueur had given me added energy and self confidence which added to my sense of herbal rejuvenation and i was certain i would be able to swat the ball and he raised it to sixteen feet and i prepared myself and jumped up and swatted the ball easily and he pumped my hand and said that i was a truly amazing candidate and would be perfect as a stimulator and he had been authorized to offer me two hundred thousand dollars a week if i wouldnt be insulted by such a paltry figure but as compensation for the insult he could raise the ball to twenty feet and did i think i could swat the ball if i tried and i asked if it would be possible to have another liqueur and he said sure no problem and handed me the bottle and i poured myself a drink and meanwhile he raised the ball another four feet and i stood and made a toast to the personnel administrator who blushed with pleasure and drank down the liqueur and prepared myself and jumped up and swatted the ball easily and he shook his head from side to side in awe and amazement and told me he was empowered to offer me three hundred thousand dollars a week and asked me to sit down and relax and have another drink of liqueur and he got on the telephone and called a number of other personnel executives who were standing in the room by the time i had finished my drink and looking at me with a mixture of wonder and admiration and one of these executives introduced himself to me as the vice president and overall potentate of the personnel department and asked me if i thought i could swat the ball if it were raised to twenty five feet off the ground and that if i did i would be paid four hundred thousand dollars a week and i said sure why not id give it a try and i put down my liqueur glass and stood up and prepared myself but as i was in the midst of my mental and physical preparations i began to entertain doubts for the first time and wasnt certain that i had a twenty five foot jump in me and asked the potentate of personnel if i could still be paid the three hundred thousand a week if i missed the ball because i still had three hundred thousand dollar a week stimulation abilities and the personnel manager said that unfortunately the original offers were now off the table because i had agreed to try for a higher level and i began to wonder whether i was being offered a job at all or whether this personnel office was in reality an amusement ride but i put this perverse thought aside and prepared myself and as i was about to soar into the air the door burst open and the seven foot stimulator who i had met while standing in line was yelling that i was a fool and was being taken advantage of and was in for a big surprise later that evening and that he was sorry he had led me astray and if i grabbed his hand he would guide me like vergil to safety and one of the personnel officers pulled out a large pistol and shot the stimulator in the side of the head and he fell to the floor and they encouraged me to go ahead and jump and so i prepared myself and jumped in the air and easily swatted the ball and the men fell to their knees and started praying and thanking god and said oh lord you are so wonderful and we will pay you five hundred thousand a week which includes a sizable saltatory bonus and would you like to swat the ball one last time and well only raise it a few more inches and if you swat it we will double your money but my shoes were wet from the blood of the stimulator and i said i had had enough and would do my job conscientiously and they were cordial and said they knew where i was coming from and that it was wise for a person to recognize his own limitations and so we signed a contract and i was directed toward one of the lines and told to stand there and begin my stimulation routines and the line was called the mister america buttfucker ride which made no sense because i was somewhere in africa and i wondered who mister america was and nobody was allowed in the line who was over twelve years of age and the management had dressed me up in leather dominator clothing in order to disguise my role as a stimulator and there were hordes of children standing in the line and i had been instructed to pant and moan which i did and all the children made panting and moaning sounds in unison because they had been conditioned at birth to act like their parents and at a certain point i was told to yell out do it to me again mister america ram it into my virgin ass where the sun dont shine which i did and all of the childrens eyes rolled back in their heads and they paid their money and hobbled away and i objected because i thought my job was tasteless and returned to the personnel office during my coffee break and complained vociferously but the manager said i should remember that i was a stimulator and not a perpetrator and that simulation and stimulation were almost identical words but two entirely different concepts and i should keep that bit of corny wisdom in my miniature brain the next time i wanted to object about a harmless company policy because nobody got hurt and nothing ever happened and everybody in west africa was entitled to freedom of expression and if little children wanted to pay money to pretend they were getting fucked in the ass well then that was only in the nature of being a child and such a ride improved the emotional balance of the kids and allowed them to adjust gradually and naturally to the problems of upcoming adulthood and if i complained one more time i would find myself in the same position as my stimulator friend who had been blasted in the head by another stimulator who had been posing as a career employment officer and if i knew what was best for me i would get back in line and shut my foul trap and i was shocked by the changed attitude of the personnel administrator but i saw his point because he hadnt said anything that wasnt true and i headed across the amusement park and saw a sanitation worker pushing a cart filled with body parts and he was wearing an identification badge which said gilbert and the letters dbpofsscre and i asked what that meant and he said that as an employee of the park i could look up the definition in a glossary which could be found in the back of the operations manual which was part of my level three orientation kit and i opened up my satchel and inside was my manual along with assorted stimulation items and on the thirty seventh page of the glossary appeared the word dbpofsscre and its definition was detached body parts of failed stimulation swatter candidates removal employee and so i was grateful i had made it past the examination and been deemed employable and that evening i was ushered into my freshly painted luxury apartment in the amusement park resort condominium complex and i kicked back and opened a bottle of pinot noir and weighed whether i wanted to work for people who had established an amusement park based on weeding out the weak and murdering them and yet i had accepted my weekly salary of half a million dollars in advance and so i felt obligated to work for at least a week as a matter of principle and i went into my bedroom to go to sleep and in my bed was a small boy who had been standing in the buttfucker line in front of me and he asked me to read him a bedtime story so that he could get in the mood for amorous endeavors and i said that i had no interest in making love with him because what i was doing in line was just a stimulation job but he told me that he was the son of the owner of the amusement park and if i didnt tell him a bedtime story he would report me to his father and that the amusement park had been named after him and who did i think i was anyway and what did i think so much money was for and that all of the stimulators were members of his harem of tall men and that tall men were hired as stimulators because they had humongous schlongs and he had slept with all the other stimulators on multiple occasions and that he wanted to sample my goodies and i was disgusted but i thought that i could lose nothing by reading him a story and he handed me a book called doctor diddle takes a vacation and i read about a doctor named doctor diddle whose wife had died as a result of the malpractice of one of his best friends who was another doctor named dorf and doctor diddle had killed dorf and embalmed him and stuck him in a glass case in his basement alongside the body of his dead wife who was in another glass case and between the two cases doctor diddle had placed his bed and he slept with young boys every night between the glass cases of the two corpses with a huge fixture containing dripping wax candles hanging over a mattressless bed of unfinished lumber and the wax would drip from the fixture and burn the doctor and the boy as they were making violent passionate love and the pain of the burning wax would add to the pleasure of the lovers and doctor diddle was very handsome and had the most beautiful and longest penis in the world and had a special friend named louie whom he loved and desired more than all his other lovemates put together and when i read the name louie the small boy in the bed next to me pointed at the word and said proudly that that was him and that his name was louie and that his father had hired a famous ghostwriter to write the book and put louies name on it and i turned to the cover and saw that indeed the first name of the author was louis and there were comments on the back of the book made by world famous authors about what a young genius louie was and how he had a great future ahead of him and how the book was a tale of grandeur and about the sacred craft of the writer and of little louies flare for poetic utterance and louis told me that he had won a number of important awards for this book and for another book that he had done later with the help of the same writer entitled the return of doctor diddle from his vacation and that he had received a grant from the gabonese government and a genius award from an important african foundation and the promise of a tenured teaching job when he reached adulthood and that his father had had nothing to do with it and he swore to me that nobody had paid to influence the decisions of anybody and that the ghostwriter hadnt actually written either book but had simply been available to answer questions by telephone about how to spell certain difficult words and i asked if he wanted me to continue reading but he said that he had something else in mind and since i needed to stall for time i asked louie to tell me what kind of vacation doctor diddle eventually took and he said the answer was obvious and that he had taken a vacation at the amusement park that louies father owned but that this was a sheer coincidence because the story required certain special attributes of a vacation destination that could only be matched by the attributes of louies fathers park and that each of the important rides in the park were described in detail in the book which increased the sales of books and admission tickets and louis got out of bed and knelt down and folded his hands and said his prayers while i waited in bed and he prayed that i would be gentle with him and only hurt him as much as he wanted to be hurt and that god would watch over his father who was watching over him right now through a camera that was mounted in the ceiling of the bedroom and i was shocked but waited until little louie had finished praying for world peace and an end to disease and famine and for the health of all his lovers and then i asked him what he meant when he said that his father was watching through a hidden camera and he said that this was literally true and that his father tuned in every night and monitored little louies activities because he was a responsible parent and wanted to make certain that louis was all right and a few weeks ago one of the newer stimulators had been unable to maintain an erection and little louie had begun to cry and a team of dbpofsscres had rushed into the bedroom of the stimulator with chain saws and hauled him away but that little louis didnt know what the initials on the nametags of the sanitation workers stood for and he had assumed that the impotent stimulator was taken to another condominium that contained a smaller bed and i felt humiliated because i was being required to perform sex on a youngster for money and began to wonder whether i was capable of maintaining an erection myself and whether the amusement park was actually an amusement park at all and perhaps a charade had been concocted to satisfy the sexual appetite of this youngster and all the people standing in line were actors and the only open job in the park was to be a stud for this lascivious pampered kid and i decided to forego the money and make a run for it and excused myself to brush my teeth and there was a ventilation duct in the bathroom and i climbed in and started crawling and cold air was blowing in my face as i worked my way along the metal duct and what had been a distinct advantage for me in acquiring a job at the amusement park had now become a liability as my elongated body was knicked and cut and i felt myself moving through a space time warp because the metal lost its surfaces and bars of energy hummed around me and the air in my face no longer seemed like air but molecules possessing airlike qualities and i came to another grate and removed it and wiggled into the cockpit of a spacecraft where two astronauts were buckled into seats that were facing me and sitting next to me was a headless man fiddling with his harness and a stump of spinal cord emerged from his neck wound and strands of vein and muscle extended over the edge of the cut skin and the rest of the neck was smooth red meat and through my headphones i could hear the countdown and as the vehicle was launched i could feel the g force ripping at my muscles and it felt as though someone had punched me in the stomach and my eyelids were forced so far back that i feared my eyeballs would bust out of their sockets and my nose was flattened against the bones of my head and my testicles were jammed against my seat cushion and my ankles ached and the nails in my fingers and toes were pushed into their cuticles and there was a pane of superresilient clear material opposite me and i could see the craft moving into space and the weight lifted and it was time for the forcible ejection of one of the astronauts and a bottle on a spindle was spinning in the center of the four of us and began to slow until we could make out its contours and it went slower and slower and i asked the pilot of the ship what the significance of the bottle was and he said that when the bottle rested pointing at one of the four of us then the equipment of the spacecraft would be thrown into gear and the astronaut at whom the bottle was pointing would be ejected at such an amazing speed that the sliding ejection door would only open long enough to let the astronaut pass through but not long enough to lower the air pressure in the cabin one iota and the violence of this ejection would hurl the astronaut tens of thousands of miles into the void and the astronaut would explode because none of us was wearing pressurized suits and be turned into the thinnest possible mist and as the pilot was talking the bottle was pointing directly at me but i saw that it was still moving in the direction of the man with no head and i prayed fervently that it would keep moving because i didnt care much about the welfare of the grotesque being in the seat next to me and i turned and cursed him and said maliciously that i hoped he would die and the bottle was barely pointing at me and was moving so slowly that i couldnt imagine its getting past me before it stopped and my harness was locked so that it was impossible to get away from the ejection equipment and the pilot and copilot were laughing at my predicament because they knew there was no way the bottle had the momentum to keep moving until it was pointing at them and i was furious that they had such terrible manners and as the bottle began to slow to a standstill i rebuked them and said that my curse would stay with them and haunt the spacecraft and poison their future activities and that after i exploded in outer space i would return as a ghost and i would sleep with their accursed wives and lovers and mothers and daughters by coming to them and raping them in their dreams and there would be nothing that either man could do about it and i would assume horrible shapes and cause horrendous accidents through magical afterdeath powers and i assured them as the bottle continued to slow to a standstill that they deserved such a rigorous lesson for their crude behavior in laughing at the possibility of my demise and i looked down and saw that the bottle was about to break out of my ejection zone and was trajecting toward the zone where it would be pointing at the headless hunk of meat sitting next to me and i started to worry that the headless man would do to me what i had threatened to do to the pilot and copilot because after all i had cursed the meat hunk who sat nonchalantly tapping his fingers against his arm rest and seemed oblivious and the bottle came to a halt and as a result of the quickness of the ejection mechanism it seemed that the headless astronaut had disappeared whereas in fact he had been ejected and the pilot and copilot explained that they were laughing because they had played a joke on me and the spin the bottle mechanism had been preprogrammed to point at the meat hunk and the most important part of their mission was to eject this hunk of guts into space because he was a distinct liability on earth where he had roamed at will and was accused of mercilessly destroying people for years and had proven indestructible and there was no way he could have been eliminated aside from extraterrestrial ejection and the meat hunk was now at least ten thousand miles away and outside the earths gravitational pull so that even if he didnt burst he would float forever and consequently everyone could now rest easy and as the pilot and copilot were gloating over their sick joke at my expense we heard clanging on the outside of the ship and through the transparent window i saw one of the hands of the meat hunk pounding against the hull and every time he pounded he rattled the spacecraft and the concussion of his fist made the lights in the spacecraft dim and the air supply system began to falter as the hunk kept bashing but the pilot and copilot stayed composed and radioed down to mission control in arkansas and requested further instructions and were told to initiate plan seven three eight e four because the thinkers at the central command post had fed every possible circumstance into a supercomputer that was also used to predict weather patterns and the computer had listed the meat hunks swimming instantly back to the ship as one of the possible unfavorable outcomes and provided a plan to be executed by the astrogation team in order to counter the effects of the pounding and my harness came loose and i was lifted from my chair by the two men and placed in a closetlike chamber at the back of the spacecraft and could feel my body being annealed with insulation material from head to toe that permitted me to breath and speak because it was gummy and had small pores that allowed for the passage of sound and air and i was told that i was going to be thrust into space and that once outside the ship my job was to negotiate with the meat hunk to get him to swim away and look for options elsewhere in the universe and i repeated my threat to the pilot and copilot that if anything happened to me i would haunt them and would fuck their wives and children and make them accident prone so that eventually they would be paralyzed or blinded as a result of some stupid engineering mistake and i could see through the glass door of my insulation chamber that this worried the men who in spite of being astronauts were plagued by ancient superstition and they contacted the arkansas command post who contacted somebody else because neither the scientists nor the meteorological bubble computer had foreseen the possibility that i would curse the people in the spacecraft and i went a step further and cursed the people in the space command post and told them that i also would fuck the space executives wives and daughters and lovers and make them asthmatic and miserable for the rest of their natural born days and the pilot and copilot received a message from the surface of the earth saying that i should be removed from the chamber and seated in my chair and they put the harness on me and i noticed that the insulation material had dissolved and i breathed a sigh of relief until i looked down and saw that the bottle was whizzing in circles and the pilot and copilot were no longer sitting but were floating aft of the seats and laughing uproariously and since i was the only one in a chair it was a foregone conclusion that the arkansas computer had decided to throw a rat fuck into me and i would be ejected into space without any insulation which i immediately was and in a split second i exploded but instead of dissolving in outer space i became a restless ghost in inner space and no longer inhabited the body of a retired referee but was a vibrant and youthful and horny nude spirit beneath percale sheets in a suburban neocolonial residence in suburban little rock and the faithful wife of the copilot of the spacecraft was about to hop into bed and go to sleep and i knew that she couldnt see me because i would only be visible in her dream shell and she had to descend into a world of loose psychological images for me to penetrate her defenses and seduce her and she was beautiful and had large perfect breasts and smooth long legs and perfect feet and slim shoulders and a rock firm ass and i became even more excited because i realized that within her dream shell she would imagine herself to be a defenseless virgin and try to get away from me because she would think that she had to save herself for her astronaut husband but deep inside she would be aching for my body and would give herself to me completely and because i was a spirit being i would be able to control every fiber of her response and during the time i was in bed within her dream shell she would be totally possessed by me and i could have my way with her and ravage her virginity and she would never forget the experience because she would come in her sleep with a force and energy that would totally alter her future waking states and sex would never be the same and never as good as what i would perpetrate upon her tender virgin body in her defenseless dream state because i would do everything exactly the way she wanted and she would lose all rational ability to judge what was happening to her and would respond at her deepest level with devotion and when her husband returned from his voyage after having disposed of the meat hunk she would never again be satisfied with his dismal sex routines and would start hanging around the astronaut training center looking for studs who could approach but never achieve the level of rapport with her body that i was about to attain when she fell asleep and her marriage would be ruined and she would confess to her husband when she asked for divorce that a sexual ghost adonis had come to her one night while her husband was being an asshole on the spacecraft and had ravished her and enslaved her soul and shown her through the force of his seductiveness that her husband who she always thought was an intrepid explorer was instead a foul mouthed yokel with a bad sense of humor who liked to taunt innocent referees who were fleeing malicious children and the copilot would think back on what i had said and be terrified that i would eventually make him drop things or become paralyzed and i assured myself that he deserved what he got for treating me with such disdain when i was strapped in my harness and watching the bottle whiz around and he had thought he was free to be the malicious petty yokel prick that he was without negative consequences whereas in fact i was preparing to do the deed with his beautiful wife and she fell asleep and i entered her consciousness and over a period of several hours i savaged her in a state of utter bliss and couldnt wait to inhabit the beds of the three gorgeous daughters of the pilot and there was a junior executive at space command central who had a mature yet luscious mother who possessed incredible sexual technique and i was going to have a blast with her as well and clearly saw that a disembodied spirit has more fun than corporeal beings because the dead have no limits to the fulfillment of their desires and can use the living in the same way that children manipulate dolls and yet as i lay in bed with the sated wife of the copilot i realized that death is a comfort to the living because it provides the mind with necessary boundaries and i panicked because i couldnt see any end to my vengeful responsibilities and thought back to when i had blasted apart in space and my corpuscles had arched into vast walls of sparkling matter and my personal light had been released and shone among the other lights of the universe and i suddenly regretted that the darkness of my curse had caused such a terrible transformation of this liberated energy and driven it between the percale sheets of the bed of the copilots wife in little rock where i became wedded to the debauched spirits of the sublunary world and my ruminations rubbed the gloss off my sexual conquest and i was ready to move in new directions but a ghost is driven through a maze of former values and cant escape its labyrinth of prior intentions and i felt that because of my shenanigans with the copilots wife i owed it to humanity to perform good deeds and decided to rematerialize as a holy man and pray continuously for the salvation of my fellow beings and i showed up the next day for work as a dishwasher in a french restaurant and a strange language came out of my mouth that no one understood including me and i wanted to curse my fate but i couldnt understand what i was saying or what i was cursing and the cooks were screaming at me because id been daydreaming about my night with the copilots wife and suddenly i resented that id lost my chance to sleep with the three beautiful daughters of the pilot and with the mother of the space executive but instead had voluntarily placed myself in the greasy galley of a french kitchen because i wanted to do the world some useless good and i didnt feel particularly holy and couldnt understand what the cooks were yelling about and decided i had nothing to lose and yelled back and effortlessly framed sentences that made no sense and realized i must have had a defective rematerialization and come back to earth at the bottom of society and i saw that my projected notions of saintliness were ludicrous since i was nothing but a babbling dishwasher and wouldnt be of value to anybody until i pulled myself up by my greasy bootstraps and i held up an object and identified it by saying the first word that came into my mind and i learned the unnamed languages words for fork and then spoon and knife and cup and saucer and then fuck you you pretentious piece of french shit and a weird phenomenon occurred in that every time i learned a word in my own language i learned the same word in every other language that was spoken everywhere by everyone at every time so that by saying fork in my unnamed language i gained the ability to say fork in english kurdish french old norse spanish russian mandarin latin baluchi yiddish finnish urdu tagalog ugaritic swedish hindi parsee armenian korean linear b and every other conceivable language and yet if a cook pointed out what the word for sausage was in french i couldnt get the saucisson to stick in my head but it would come out as sucksuck or soossissoon until i learned the word in my own master language and then instantly and effortlessly i would know how to say sausage a thousand different ways and after a year of washing dishes i was truly omnilingual and could say anything to anyone and didnt want to waste any more time washing dishes given my newfound abilities and felt like a wildblossom in the wilderness shedding tears of dew with nary an appreciative eye but realized to my dismay that although i could say anything i couldnt say anything original since i still had the intelligent quotient of a dishwasher and decided that i was perfectly suited by my mental limitations to become a psychotherapist and so i claimed to have graduated from the most prestigious of viennese therapeutic institutes with a postdoctoral certificate in functional parameter transformative reaction analysis and was able to open a clinic in geneva that catered to a distinguished international clientele and whenever a patient asked a question i responded with a question of my own and without having to think much about anything i was able to drive a benz and wear custom suits and purchase a stunning home and join an exclusive club where i could play gin rummy with my sicko jetsetting clients and regardless of which languages i spoke i always said the same things and everyone thought i was brilliant and their lives got better and i learned a lesson from my new occupation which was that almost every patient was a fool no matter what language he spoke and yet there was a hole in my gut because everything i stood for was a lie and shame smoldered in my breast and it took all of my energy to keep from blushing or destroying myself and i thought back nostalgically on my days as a babbling dishwasher when i had worked so hard to learn the language i was speaking and i yearned for a more positive existence and i had two clients who were twins and cordially hated each other and i saw them separately and whatever constructive change took place in one twin would cause an opposite change in the other so that when the former twin finally came to the realization that she was in love with her mother the latter twin came to a simultaneous realization that he was in love with his father and when the first twin confidentially admitted to me that she was a man and had had sex with her brother the second twin admitted that he was a woman who was incapable of anything but a lesbian relationship with his sister and that when they had slept together it was like a new form of biology and was a mind blowing experience replete with cultural significance whereas the first twin who was a woman who claimed she was a man had said that the sex she had had with her brother who was fully intent on identifying as a lesbian had been a total and utter drag and that the act of intercourse had shown her or him depending on ones point of view that all the various forms of pleasure were void of higher
Black Ice Fiction

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