Weird Republicans

Images and Text Copyright 1995 by Norman Conquest

Republicans are not insects, nor vermin. There are, of course, many similarities, but the differences are significant. For example, insects (albeit creepy pests) do not attempt to trash the U.S. Constitution. Many Republicans are poisonous creatures, devoted to killing programs for the poor and funding for the arts. They are born snoops & censors. They thrive on greed and are narcissistically inclined. Many are religious fanatics or pro-life assassins. They sometimes appear harmless, silly, or downright stupid, but can be very deadly to humanistic values. Do not be fooled. Republicans will attack when confronted by those with differing views.

Republicans are also famous for their sneaky skills. Some spin complex webs of deceit, using the Big Lie to trap unsuspecting voters. Others resort to subtle racist tactics or blatant fear-mongering to confuse, divide and conquer their prey. They will wrap themselves in the American flag, camouflaging their true fascistic colors with the silky flesh of patriotism.

On the following pages you'll find some of the weirdest specimens known to man.

--Norman Conquest
San Diego, 1995

Rep. Newton "The Pied Sniper" Gingrich (origin: Georgia)

Here we have the vilest Newt of all... spawned from the slime of righteous self-promotion. A carnivorous huckster, a barnyard finger-sniffing sheep-humper, a gun-toting hunky-tongued redneck, a side-show orphan-bashing gang-raping geek. Leader of the House of Whores, Newt brings home the bacon while ransacking the homeless and feeding upon their young. Captures prey with his thorny claws and razor-sharp fangs. A flatulent quack.

Rush "The Mouthpiece" Limbaugh (origin: unknown)

A chronic cannibal and big-assed buffoon, Limbaugh has been thrust into the slimelight as the GOP's Minister of Propaganda. He manages to spew nonstop crypto-Nazi nuke-puke while munching on junkfood. Has been known to snack on portions of his own anatomy during broadcasts, and emitting decibel-shattering gastric blasts.

Sen. Bob "Gimme a Feel" Packwood (origin: Oregon)

Severely brain-damaged at birth, Bob Packwood is perpetually in heat. He sexually harasses his prey with crude innuendoes and drooling, drunken attempts at foreplay. Has survived by drinking the blood of his victims. Packwood is obsessed with the diminutive size of his sexual organ and his frustration often leads to rape of the public trust.

Rep. Sonny Bono (origin: California)

Oddly enough, this rat-faced little weasel represents the 'soul' of the GOP Surely, if this grotesquely incompetent specimen is welcome among the ranks, then the party is open to every idiotic slime-ball in America. Indeed, Bono is the Republican poster-boy whose goofy smile and ass-licking style is, in effect, the welcome mat at the door of the House of Representatives.

Ronald Reagan (origin: California)

Republican elephants may never forget, but this wrinkled, ass-guzzling geezer has a mind like a sieve as he suffers from Trickle-down Syndrome. Reagan lures his prey by reciting apple pieties and ad-libbed pig-shit while appealing to the very worst in human nature. Although his outward appearance can seem hideously homespun, it's all an act, for Reagan revels in glitter and riches. Furthermore, his decrepit rhetoric and senile theories are decidedly toxic.

From the newly released book Weird Republicans published by Permeable Press (e-mail: