My New Brand

Andy bought corn flakes again. I tell him he always buys boring food when he goes shopping, and I'm sick of it.

"What did you want?" he asks.

"Lucky Charms. Coco Pebbles."

"I'll get that next time."

I leave Andy in the kitchen with the bags of groceries. His calm demeanor bugs me more than his pathetic grocery store technique. He's so even-keeled that I have to pick fights with him about stuff I don't even care about. I call out from the livingroom: "Don't go shopping for me anymore. I'm doing my own shopping."

We redo this argument for the therapist. He asks Andy to leave the room, and he tells me that I'm on the train bitching about the seats, and I should either sit down or leave.

"I can't sit down," I say. "Andy is too steady. Too dependable."

"Right. And he's never going to change."


"What do you want?"

"I want someone who will fuck me in an elevator."

"Do you want to date other men? Andy is very committed to you. He's accepting you for who you are, and I think you owe him that or you should move on."


"Have you ever been with exciting men?"


"Why were they exciting?"

"Well, one took me to his wife's bed to fuck."

"That's what you want?"

"No. I picked Andy because I knew he wouldn't do anything like that."

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