What's wrong with these people? Chemicals they put in the food to control population. Intentions to build plastic nations..... ...H uman beings breathin' hard on the moon in search of aliens.... The world's gone crazy mass producin' test tube babies... ..Says I'm on a wild goose chase the laws of nature they just can't face. Ambition to mash up the place... Who shall save the hu man race... Who shall save the human race...? Wild Goose Chase- Steel Pulse
But in a galaxy far, far, way fucking far away, other life forms-you know Martians and kling-on's and all types of other whacked out space shit- have been kickin' it since long before human life on earth. Throughout time, in between rollin' down the street, smokin' endo, sippin' on Gin and juice, these life forms watched the development of earthly creatures from the beginning. They had a bet going as to which species would advance beyond all others. The odds were in favor of dolphins and pigs. The thought of human beings being chosen by nature never even crossed their superior minds. Human beings were the scum of the eart'. Eef da' human race were a race of drunks, they were operating heavy machinery. Mon. So when nature decided that human beings would become the chosen species, intelligent life forms in a galactic barrios throughout the universe lost their composure. And if I may kick the Cypress Hill flavor for the next two lines. The Martians spilled the gin, so now they only had juice....The kling-ons threw the endo out the window......And together, they released a resounding, "Oh Shit!"
Human beings were sure to fuck it up for everybody. They would create complex social structures and divide themselves according to obscure criteria like race, religion, and the almighty dollar. These complex social structures, along with technological advances in the name of "progress", would mean the inevitable destruction of Mother Earth and a disruption in the delicate pH balance of the universe. Keeping these tings' in mind, intelligent life forms made a series of predictions about the dismal future of the human race. Mon. They predicted Reaganomics. They predicted Ricki Lake. They predicted country music. They predicted Keystone Lite. They predicted a chicken crossing the road to get to the other side and that the Pope would wear a funny hat. But their greatest prediction of all time was that they would be able to see clearly now that the rain is gone. They knew it was gonna be a bright, bright, bright, bright sun-shiny day!
These intelligent life forms felt sorry for the human race. Humans were the scum of the earth and they needed to be put out of their misery before it was too late. Intelligent life forms decided that it would be best to administer some sort of euthanasia to humanity as quickly as possible. The method would have to be subtle but swift, benign yet lethal all at the same time. Intelligent life forms came up wid' da mob logic, Mon. Mob logic, instead of total destruction, would be the only solution. Mob logic would utilize human ignorance to initiate a series of self-destructive chain reactions. Without going into too much detail, at particular intervals throughout human history, intelligent life forms would descend upon the earth in German-made UFO's. In most cases, these intelligent life forms would roll up on some unlucky human being whose American-made automobile broke down near a cornfield in the middle of butt-fuck Egypt. Mr. Unlucky would see the UFO and suddenly become inspired by some profound insight about the condition and the future of mankind. He would then tell his girlfriend about this observation. And then she would tell two friends and so on...and so on....and so on....and so on.....
But before intelligent life forms- in galaxies far far away mind you- even had the chance to administer the first dosage, human beings had already begun to formulate their own systems of mob logic. Because they were insecure about being human and unable to explain their surroundings, they developed religion. Because they were at a loss when it came to governing themselves, they developed capitalism, communism, and socialism. In this day and age, individuals are inclined to base their personalities on opposing or advocating the dogma associated with some form of mob logic. Capitalism, for instance, at its most pathetic levels fosters Republicans and Democrats. The internal struggle between self-aggrandizing Afrocentricity and mental disorientation breeds Black-Revolutionaries-Without-A-Revolution. The confused state of being dismally liberal, politically accurate, white, male, and extremely phony cultivates Sensitive-Pony-Tail-Men.
Sexism, however, was by far the most complicated form of mob logic. With all due respect, every brand of mob logic is a derivative of sexism. The result was that the most illogical half of the human species acquired all the power. Gender inequality meant that humanity was doomed from the beginning and if humanity had any hope, it was women. With these things in mind, prehistoric women devised a scheme for humanity's redemption. This blueprint would be passed down from one generation of women to the next. The plan was called feminism.
The feminist plan ran pretty much according to schedule until the early 1920's. A man named Vladimir Zworykin saw a UFO one day and invented the television on the next. By the 1990's, the use of Zworykin's invention to dispense mob logic would become an art form. And during this decade, a generation of ideological couch potatoes would inherit feminism. The new form of feminism would be called MTV feminism. Umanity' was up sheet' creek wit' a leaky boat and no paddle. Mon.
If you've never seen MTV feminists in action, just imagine a room full of football meatheads on a Monday night. In the midst of some hardcore belching, farting and beer-guzzling, the referee calls a bad play. Without warning a meathead rushes to the fridge and takes a beer can out. He smashes it over his head and shakes his beer-gut all about. He does the hokey-pokey and throws popcorn all around...That's what football meatheads and MTV Feminists are all about. But unlike standard-issue football fans who represent every possible human malfunction, MTV feminists come from a very narrow segment of society. They are most likely to be of the white, upper-middle-class lineage of "Generation-X". And their dedication to gender equality directly correlates to Mom and Dad's pocketbook.
Fashion also plays a part in determining their degree of commitment to feminist causes. Granola MTV Feminists tend to take the Gandhian approach. Granolas are known for knit sweaters, shredded jeans with holes in all the right places, flower print dresses and Birkenstock Sandals. Birkenstocks come in handy when it's time to pick flowers and score miracles. Next in line are the "G"-Thang MTV Feminists. "G-Thang" Feminists are middle of the road when it comes to women's issues. Their fashion statement is a bit goofy to say the least. They tend to have difficulties with simple tasks such as walking and running because they sport Xtra-large hip-hop/skater trousers and Vans that they borrowed from their freeloading boyfriends. "Fuck-Off-You-Sexist -Pig" MTV Feminists are on the terrorist end of the feminist spectrum. The only fashion statement that a "Fuck-Off-You-Sexist-Pig" Feminist makes is her big-ass mouth. She can always be found at anti-war rallies carrying a sign that consists of a placard nailed to a baseball bat. She is always trying to convince everyone that America could have won Vietnam if the general had been a woman. At the moment, her boyfriend is in the hospital suffering through plastic surgery. Two nights ago they had a minor disagreement about who is better equipped to club baby seals, men or women? She found that the soles of her Doctor Marten's were useful when it came time for her to stamp Ass-Whoopin' Wair footprints on his face.
MTV Feminology is firmly rooted in the ideologies of prime-time MTV programming. In between videos, MTV broadcasts an agenda for social activism and moral rectitude that complements a misguided view of feminism. Following The Head are a series of commercials in which people ask for donations for one cause or another. For instance, Sally Struthers needs money for food and then maybe...just maybe, she'll share some of her dinner with the starving children of Africa. In between Beavis and Butthead, The United Colors of Benetton suggest that proper fashion is the first step towards eliminating racism. In between the melodramas of The Real World, Trojan gives profound lessons on how to exist in reality: "Get Real..If you don't have a parachute...don't jump." As they sit watching MTV it becomes clear to MTV Feminists that they are at war with a patriarchal society. And in violent times such as these, prime-time MTV programming is what provokes them to spread random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty.
MTV Unplugged is another source of wisdom for MTV Feminists. This program features popular artists giving acoustic performances. In reality, the program boils down to one unplugged tragedy after another seizing the opportunity to wax "politically correct" on just about every subject known to Man. Before his tragic end, the scrappy looking guy who mistook .45 slugs for Listerine said that homeless people are in a state of "residential- denial". His widow, who knows that she will ache like I ache, says that deaf people are "close-captionally inclined". Her new lover, a guy who claims to be a natural born killer, says that Caucasians are "racially-at-fault". His transvestite lover, a guy who believes that he's not the man he used to be, predicted that John Bobbit would be "genitally- incomplete". His former bitch from San Quentin- the same guy who thought that K.C. Jones was driving that train, high on cocaine- was quoted saying that "O.J. Simpson is "correctionally- facilitated." His former drug-dealer, a girl who just want's to have some fun...until the sun comes up over Santa Monica Boulevard, named her alcoholic brother who is confined to crutches "most likely to collapse".
MTV Feminists also have a spiritual side. They worship Oprah Winfrey. At the peak of their brightest menstrual hour, a group of sanctimonious, melodramatic, underareobicized young women lie prostrate before a television set that casts an image of Oprah Winfrey. Today's topic is "Boyfriends Who Freeload Off Of Their Girlfriends." Yesterday's topic was "Freeloading Boyfriends And Their Girlfriends." Tomorrow's topic will be "The Demise Of The Modern Girlfriend: Freeloading Boyfriends." A young man in the audience- probably a freeloading boyfriend- stands up to disagree with a statement made by a female panelist. A few of the women in the audience form a circle around him and proceed to rip him to shreds just like the women in A Handmaid's Tale. In the meantime, MTV Feminists throw Diet Coke cans and spoonfuls of Nonfat Blueberry Yogurt at the TV set.
During the commercial breaks, acts of protest on the part of MTV Feminists become even more perilous. Instances of women being exploited to sell products can only mean danger for the television set. As you may have guessed, Diet Coke cans and spoonfuls of Nonfat Blueberry Yogurt are merely friendly fire compared to the true capabilities of MTV Feminists. Wesson, Pinesol, and Tide commercials perpetuate the passive housewife myth. MTV Feminists react by throwing plates and glasses at the TV set. Commercials like Jiff, Vics, Kix, Robitussin, Sunny Delight, suggest that a woman's place is on her back, at the stove or at the center of a nuclear family. At this point, they are compelled to bombard the television set with vases and telephones. Maybeline, Revlon, and Haynes commercials proclaim that the life of a single career woman is unfulfilled until she gets a man. The answer to this proclamation includes gardening/home improvement implements like pitchforks and sledgehammers. Miller Genuine Draft, Strohs, and Bugle Boy blatantly use women's bodies to sell "men's" products. MTV Feminists respond to these commercials with a wide variety of conventional and nuclear hardware ranging from sawed-offs and twelve-gauges to short-range, heat-sensitive nuclear missiles.
At this point in history, it is safe to say that mob logic will eventually run its course unless the citizens of this male-dominated society learn to swim and catch the rhythm of the stroke- flash light, Bud light, neon light. MTV Feminists must build so that sexist pigs may-Gasp!...Ah...Ahhhhh!-come. Every step towards gender equality that society takes together is brings us one step closer to realizing the MTV Feminists' dream. MTV Feminists have a dream that is deeply rooted in the American dream. They dream of a day when this Nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident that all womyn and men are created equal- except, of course, when it comes to Brad Pitt movies, Melrose Place and the final stages of procreation." MTV Feminists have a dream that one day television stations across the country will only broadcast non-gender specific commercials. They have a dream. They dream of Head & Shoulders-If your hair is dry and nappy this blue and white shit will make it happy! They dream of Irish Spring- Uh ungowa, yo' daddy needs a showa' uh uh don't laugh you mama needs a bath! They dream of D-I-A-L-L-A-W-Y-E-R-S - when your ass is in a jammer we'll keep it out the slammer! (for a small fee of course). They dream of Genie. They dream of Wrigley's Spearmint Gum- Dat' breat', Dat' breat'....it's keellin' me to death. Mon. They dream of Cover Girl- if your face is super FUGLY..well baby you shit out of luck! They dream of Dairy Queen-unlike your freeloading boyfriend, We treat you right!