Limited Access
by Rappel
 
 

I find a terminal but what does it mean? Somebody slips up. Someone else wins. We are lucky, we are not them.

But it's impossible not to be them. We move the attention to blinking yellow: caution! Caution! It is enjoyable. It is not enjoyable. It begins to wail. It begins to rain. I put an attention to what comes down. Successful raining is natural.

Water moves in gutters.

White air all around out front.

I desire to write. I desire to have the communal life. I am impatient to begin. But authorities march up and down. I am attracted to their expletives. They chat me up. Their wisdom! Their caution! They are eager to win!

I am impatient to begin!

We are in the same boat, are we not? We are at the same port, we are on the same step. I wish to go up the stairs. To smoke on the roof is forbidden, yet I practice because it is raining. Down there the yellow light clicks back and forth. Water follows the gutter.

I go up. Now, I go down. I walk up and down. I am losing myself on the steps. It is simple. Put yourself in my boots. Perhaps they're a little too loose. The air is reckless with expletives, that is why I am here. I understand you. You step up the rain. I understand rain.

I have the beer to hold tight. The sound is loose. The water up front, the water out back, the water inside I am thinking of sewers, I am bargaining. Yet, I am happy to be here. I am not a member of the community, yet I feel a fine communal lift. I am not in the gutter, you are wearing my boots. The boat is reckless with us.

A special registration is announced, I can't believe my luck! Their wisdom! Their expletives! Chat me up, you old snoop! Take a good look around! Take advantage of the rain! I take off my wets and sit down. We smoke a little. We drink plenty. It is a reasonable oasis. See what I mean? Supervision is primordial. My vision is good all around: it is mine.

I express myself badly perhaps. No doubt I am too primordial. I practice more, I take it to heart. The two of us hug and moan. I practice humble assumptions also, the two of us undercover. Cozy categories blind us together. I am all ears I hear.


I wait.

The feet do not arrive. Time begins and ends in water but boats carry the map. I send a prayer, a long mysterious prayer. I send it into the simple shadows, water sweeps it away.


In the morning I practice again. I am easy. I am easy now and again. I hear steps on the steps, I put on the boots. I try to stand up, I decide to lie down. I smile. I throw kisses. I smoke. The rain!

Two or three days need to pass. A timely subject needs constant practice, I try a simple atlas. I practice simple envelope. Yes, I tell you, count me in. I am ready to join the community. I am an agreeable character. Mark one, do not erase. Be courteous to others, do not smoke. Do not play loud music in the rooms. Keep the doors closed. Keep your hands to yourself. Remember the needy. Use caution.

I am fond of them all. To press the palm I go in for an hour. I have an idea or two by now, they welcome the agreeable character. They have a sense of relief. They wait. They are simple and I am agreeable.


Do not give up.

I pray some more, I pray I am dreaming. A crowd gathers. I empty hours and minutes for them. Still I have ears and I hear. You and your two little clovers enter - I should be more like you! Yet I am all nerves and nettles. You are a gift! A souvenir! I pray a little more. I am half-praying I am half-baked. But you are perfect, dear. You and your two little clovers. I wish you well. I wish you well enough. I shake the hands, I advise you to marry. I cannot remember your capitol.

I have little, a little, a little more. I throw gifts to the crowd, they come closer. Come here my good scout, I'm all ears! Watch your tongue! Watch your purse! I should be more like you. A soft, personal disturbance in the belly, my flesh and blood model needs bread and water. I am all nerves yet polite. I move some more, I begin to study. I am studying. I begin to drink. I am drinking. I watch the simple clouds pass.

But now in a word I grow muddy. I forget. One or two onlookers pry. I speak well but pry if you must. The cop comes in with his hound. It is his duty, I am his prize. We study our cups and saucers. He cannot see any shortcut now, my cup has nothing in it. The cup is thin, the hound is furry. Yet we are polite to each other.

Sit tight, he says. No one breathes.

A pale young thing is the contrast. He puts a bracelet on the table. This is an eating establishment! No matter. We are permitted to smoke and drink in exchange for some inconvenience. Still the cop is here. The air goes around over head. He takes words out of my mouth for now, the cop has plenty to hear. All right, he says, and goes out.

It doesn't matter. I put away my belongings. I belong to the community now. It is a cozy strategy, is it not? I wash and dry. I hang up. The cop turns off the blinking yellow and the air is blank. It is raining but it is blank.

Is there anything else? I ask is there anything else I can do?


A little later. A little better. What more can I do? A car came around that was blank. A blanket was not in the car. I need a change of heart, but how? It is blank. It is plenty empty. What can we do but stay here in the blanket? In here and up here, together.


It is early and I am eager again. I practice beginning a map for myself. I map a practice building. I may earn a few pennies because of it. What do you think of my building, I ask. I show it around.

A guy comes over with a ladder to look. He is discreet! I have an illusory smile for him because he says it is wrong.

But no, I have chosen the guy with the ladder. I calculate his origins. What is the original? The guy is initially speechless, the smile is not an illusion.

Some pamphlets fall on the floor. The gesture is candid but unnecessary, he is careless. He does not care to pick up. The ladder is not too long however, it is a useful addition. I look from the window into the rain. Well done old scoop, I think.

The stairs are wet. The roof is wet. The water is a wavy mirror. You see how long it takes now. Verbs, nouns, conjunctions, propositions forty eight times, even fifty. I shall make time pay for itself I think. I follow the fellow. The pamphlets follow the water. The water is careless also.


It's a little later already. Some people knock about. Fortified by careless stress I decide the guy is okay. I separate him from the rest. He works happily.

May I smoke?

No.

Now I see he is somebody else, a prize for a different contest. Yet I am respectful to all. I shall be patriotic. I lie. I lie down. I sit up. I go out of the building. It is too much to tell.

I shall wait until dark to depart.


Once or twice a shortcut is used, I practice the origin of it. I follow the origin to the ocean. I follow it up the shore to the village. Once or twice the shortcut is used but now I take the long way around. If the ladder breaks, shall I fix it? That is not a shortcut. The community has community shortcuts, but that is not what I found.


At daylight again, there are plenty of these, not reckless diversion but another tomorrow. A long line crosses the ceiling. A long line crosses the map. It is stress. I see one side, I see the other. I am your representative. The guy with the ladder says, now it is fixed. His trousers are pressed, his knees are strong. He goes up. He comes down. That is all. He is the source of his personal pride, it is a convenient assumption.


I begin again.

Here are my clothes. Paper. Cup. Here is my hand, an intimate extremity. Yet the problem may be insurmountable.

I may take to my heels. I may take my high heels to hell. I may take to bed. I wait here full of reckless information. I am well within reach.

The place begins to fill. They will try to avoid a collision, I think. I will try to begin the celebration, an excuse to dress to the teeth. Let's go, I am curious! I steady the teeth. I steady the hands: they are squarely sur le table.

But still with a little time remaining, the guy is absorbing a meal. His meal is not what I want. Background strings make up for lost time, drums bounce off the back wall. Someone picks up the telephone wire. Someone turns on a light that flashes. The hose is near. The house is dear. The hour is nearly over. The hands are nearly at the top together praying the rest going down.


He comes again to the table. May I join you? But no. Removed from the house he's forbidden to enter. He is extremely absent. I wait at the top of the stairs, I wear shades. The guy will smoke but nothing happens.


I reach another terminal. I have an enormous case this time. I do not move sideways because of it. I am not obliged to flee.

Here is my number. Here is my seat. I will be gentle towards all. The bright glow ahead is enough. Destination is a distraction, is it not? No matter is too slight to consider. The magnificent bridge ahead. The magnificent hair-piece up front. The magnificent terminal blotted out by reflections.

It is extremely night. Moon gloats in the heavens. Motor glows through the seat. The fellow goes through the destinations in order of their appearance.

Must I contribute to his happiness also? I roll around too much perhaps, the voice is loose, shaken up by the motion, yet I am fine. It doesn't rain. I am hungry yet I am bright. May I explain? I carry on as if between walls, and there is no end to anything. I wind it and it unwinds. A single expletive might have been better, but no matter. If you have pets, why disguise them with names?

But it is enough to talk to you now. It bowls me over how we are talking. First class, second class, third class, jail. I have a snapshot of myself for you, eyes, knows and smoocher. The lips stick on the glass. The street runs parallel to it. I could be happy with you, with them, I gloat with eager happiness. If I used the lips more, if I practiced the personals· Here I offer envelopes and pictures, there I offer postcards to relatives. Give me your hand! Lips! Package! Give me your umbrella! Give me your change!

Can I be more like you? My blood worms its way through its house. My house is your house, my boots are your boots, reliable gentlemen, the ground is slippery. I watch the lips. I watch the mind. I watch the blind hands moving.

Yet it's okay I shall say. The house is an adequate package. Are there are others like you at home? Do you have a snapshot to prove it?

I leave tomorrow for the rest. I put some words in the envelop for you. The lips also are sealed.


Yet I'm still here, we are in the same boat. Do you understand what we hear? It is flashing yellow. It's a candid smile. It is not for the tourist.

A timely intervention of hands, all hands, their reliable communities of germs· Great desire is contagious. Remove the spectacles from the flesh. Yes, I admire simplicity. I shall slip out the same way I slipped in. The rain again. The roof. The way to back down is back out. I go a little more, I loosen the protocol. I penetrate the terminal! Without the ladder, without the atlas, I find the shortcut, it is enough.