by Trevor Dodge
Upon Waking From A Dream, Ann Coulter Speaks:
Last night, I dreamed dreams packed with words I couldn't understand. My mouth knotted as these words parted my lips, spilled down my chin like sour milk. My BarbieŽ-fine hair didn't notice, but I grinned for your picture, thankful you weren't interviewing me on your nationally-syndicated talkshow.
You told me, "it's not that I disagree with you, Ann. It's a matter of your appearance."
(I noticed that you had turned the microphones off, by the way.)
"Radio listeners still think it's the 1930s, Ann. They have a hard time visualizing the female voice."
I didn't understand. I told you this by raising both eyebrows, as if I had disappointed you. I wanted to be sure you understood my not understanding you; I did this by saying nothing.
"See, radio is all about breathing, Ann. It's about long and short breaths; the words are really just filler in between. A radio listener hears words but focuses on processing the duration of the speaker's breath."
Eyebrows still raised.
"It's the duration of the breaths which convey meaning, Ann. Not the words themselves."
"See, the longer the breath, the more important the message. That's why advertisements are always read by meditative breathers. The guy who does that Bose Wave Radio ad can go nearly five minutes between breaths. Your problem, Ann, is that every word is a breath for you."
"Ann, you think words are important. That's why you write one column and syndicate it to nearly one hundred papers. You're too careful with your language. You choose your words too carefully; as a result, you end up suffocating yourself. You're interested in defining terms that people have lost traces of, Ann. Audiences-that is to say, masses of people-are looking for ideology to cure their daily problems. They want a sooth-sayer to breathe in their ears, tell them what they want to hear. They want you to tell them what they already believe, floating there in the shallow pools of their minds."
"It's not that you're dangerous, Ann. Far from it. You're making semantics too semantic. You're trying way too hard, Ann. As a woman, the audience doesn't want you to tell them The Way Things Oughta Be. They just want you to breathe and tell them Everything Will Be Alright As Long As You Continue To Do Nothing."
And so I left you, never having said a word.