Monologue for San Antonio Rose
by Catherine Scherer
© 1994
 
 

his mother cut holes in her eyelids so she could spy on him even with her eyes shut. her mouth hangs over him laughing and drooling on him the entrance to a cave a dark womb in the sky. his mother said we'll run between the drops and laughed and he laughed because she told him to she said laugh and he laughed. but he cannot run the paralysis has come over him again. the streets melt in the fierce sun and run down his legs like syrup and clutch at his legs with strong sticky hands. his mother said run between the drops and he ran away from home to join the army he ran away to escape being a pain to her because she said she said between her strong horse teeth you'll never be a pain to me will you. her strong horse teeth eat him like an artichoke scraping the flesh of his underbelly and calling it self-sacrifice. she wheedles at him whines you'll never be a pain to me will you. he ran away to join the army and she ran after him saying I always wanted to be an army cook. he didn't know all the generals have bosoms. she puts secret ingredients into her pot. he ran away to san antonio he didn't know it's a woman-city disguised under a false male name. san antonio has streets white as the flanks of women. every day he stomps on the motherly flesh of san antonio streets on thigh-streets on belly-streets on buttock-streets on gentle little hillocks of breasts. day and night hot fleshy light steams up from the sidewalks making a maternal odor in his nostrils a maternal taste in his mouth piercing his brain with motherly light. she sits in the glare and the only dark places are in her mind. he did not know he would be such a pain to san antonio streets in his heavy army boots. neither the rain nor the womb in the sky are real only the holes in her eyelids are real blinking open and shut like the shutter of a camera like shutters at a window he can't see her eyes behind the shutters. he sees only black shells of buildings burned out and empty leaning toward him like giantesses with holes in their eyelids. if he could stretch his arms like rubber bands. if he could grab them by the throat choke them until their souls came up into their eyes again from where they hide from him I want to plead with their souls he wants their souls to plead with him. his mother told him long ago I must keep the world at arm's length. neither her eyelids nor the holes in her eyelids not even her soul are real. he can make her vanish he makes night frights vanish by opening his eyes or closing his eyes he can force her to retreat into the dark places of his mind to the places where dreams and nightmares go when he refuses to have them anymore. all it needs is an effort of will I he have done it one hundred and ninety nine times before. his will is running in the gutter spilled milk.

mother cut holes in eyelids so could spy on even with eyes shut. mouth hangs over laughing and drooling on the entrance to a cave to a dark womb in the sky. mother said run between the drops and laughed and laughed because told to said laugh and laughed. but cannot run the paralysis has come over again. the streets melt in the fierce sun and run down legs like syrup and clutch at legs with strong sticky hands. mother said run between the drops and ran away from home to join the army ran away to escape being a pain to because said said between strong horse teeth never be a pain to will. strong horse teeth eat like an artichoke scraping the soft flesh of underbelly and calling self-sacrifice. wheedles whines never be a pain to will. ran away to join the army and ran after saying always wanted to be an army cook. didn't know all the generals have bosoms. puts secret ingredients into pot. ran away to san antonio didn't know is a woman-city disguised under a false male name. san antonio has streets white as the flanks of women. everyday stomps on the motherly flesh of san antonio streets on thigh-streets on belly -streets on buttock-streets on the gentle little hillocks of breasts. day and night hot fleshy light steams up from the sidewalks making a maternal odor in nostrils a maternal taste in mouth piercing brain with motherly light. sits in the glare and the only dark places are in mind. did not know would be such a pain to san antonio streets in heavy army boots. neither the rain nor the womb in the sky are real only the holes in eyelids are real blinking open and shut like the shutter of a camera like shutters at a window can't see eyes behind the shutters. sees only black shells of buildings burned out and empty leaning toward like giantesses with holes in eyelids. if could stretch arms like rubber bands. if could grab by the throat choke until souls come up into eyes again from where hide from want to plead with souls want souls to plead with. mother told long ago must keep the world at arm's length. neither eyelids nor the holes in eyelids not even soul are real. can make vanish makes night frights vanish by opening eyes or closing eyes can force to retreat into the dark places of mind to the places where dreams and nightmares go when refuses to have anymore. all needs is an effort of will have done one hundred and ninety nine times before. will is running in the gutter spilled milk.

mother cut holes eyelids could spy eyes shut. mouth hangs laughing drooling entrance cave dark womb sky. mother said run drops laughed laughed told said laugh laughed. can not run paralysis has come again. streets melt fierce sun run legs syrup clutch legs strong sticky hands. mother said run drops ran away home join army escape being pain said said strong horse teeth never be pain will. strong horse teeth eat artichoke scraping soft flesh underbelly calling self-sacrifice. wheedles whines never be pain will. ran away join army ran after saying always wanted to be army cook. didn't know all generals have bosoms. puts secret ingredients pot. ran away san antonio didn't know is woman-city disguised false male name. san antonio has streets white flanks women. everyday stomps motherly flesh san antonio streets thigh-streets belly-streets buttock-streets gentle little hillocks breasts. day night hot fleshy light steams up sidewalks making maternal odor nostrils maternal taste mouth piercing brain motherly light. sits glare only dark places are mind. did not know would be such pain san antonio streets heavy army boots. neither rain womb sky are real holes eyelids are real blinking open shut shutter camera shutters window can't see eyes shutters. sees only black shells buildings burned out empty leaning giantesses holes eyelids. could stretch arms rubber bands. could grab throat choke souls come up eyes again where hide want plead souls wants souls plead. mother told long ago must keep world arm's length. eyelids holes eyelids not even soul are real. can make vanish makes night frights vanish opening eyes closing eyes can force retreat dark places mind places dreams nightmares go refuses have anymore. all needs is effort will have done one hundred ninety nine times. will is running gutter spilled milk.

mother cut holes eyelids could spy eyes shut. mouth hangs laughing drooling entrance cave womb sky. mother said run drops laughed laughed told said laugh laughed. can run paralysis has come. streets melt sun legs syrup clutch legs hands. mother said run drops ran home join army ran escape being pain said said teeth be pain will. teeth eat artichoke scraping flesh underbelly calling self-sacrifice. wheedles whines be pain will. ran join army ran saying wanted be cook. did know generals have bosoms. puts ingredients pot. ran san antonio did know is woman-city disguised name. san antonio has streets flanks women. stomps flesh streets thigh-streets belly- streets buttock-streets hillocks breasts. day night light steams sidewalks making odor nostrils taste mouth piercing brain light. sits glare places mind. did know would be pain streets boots. rain womb sky are holes eyelids are blinking shutter camera shutters window can see eyes shutters. sees shells buildings burned leaning giantesses holes eyelids. could stretch arms bands. could grab throat choke souls come eyes hide want plead souls wants souls plead. mother told must keep world length. eyelids holes eyelids soul are. can make vanish makes frights vanish opening closing eyes can force retreat places mind places dreams nightmares go refuses have. needs is effort will have done times. will is running gutter milk.

cut could spy shut. hangs laughing drooling. said run laughed laughed told said laugh laughed. can run has come. melt run clutch. said run ran join ran escape being said said be wing. sits. did know would be. are are blinking can see. sees burned leaning. could stretch. could grab choke come hide want plead wants plead. told must keep. are. can make vanish vanish opening closing can force retreat go refuses have. needs is have done. is running.